For my Kids Friday... Carter edition..

Okay.. I'm sure you all know about my son, Carter, passing away in january of 2008...

I hate the fact that I blog about this all the time.. but It's my only way to vent..

So the past couple of days have been hard for me.. It's not any occasion that would bring about any strong emotions.. just the thoughts in my head. I was talking to my mother in law today and I told her that I have been intensly thinking about him a lot the past couple of days to the point where I can't go back to sleep in the morning because of having flashbacks..

I wish I could get the point where the good memories shadow the bad ones.. those six days of misery and the ones following his death are blocking the 15 most wonderful months I spent with my son. It's almost like I forgot the happiness and joy his smile brought me.. his laugh.. the way he would stand at my feet and grunt while reaching for me to pick him up.. I struggle with blocking out the nightmares and the pain... and I don't want to forget the good times..

I guess it's been bothering me because I sat down and starting thinking about Kohen's birthday (which is October 10th) then with that comes thinking about Carter's birthday (October 26th) and the fact that he would be 3 years old this year.. and the fact that I have to go through that day (and other occassions) without Josh. Even now just sitting here blogging about it brings extreme anxiety.

I am just sick of hurting... they say that it gets better over time.. but when does that happen?? 2 years? 5? 10? ...I wish it would stop now. ..

Being so angry over his death has cost me the relationship with God that I yearn for.. I want to be close to him..but how do I give him my all when I am still so mad? I smoke too many cigarettes.. I eat like crap.. I drink too much beer (no I am not an alcoholic).. but I am scared to ask for help (by this I mean professional) I feel as though I can do it... I can internalize everything like I always have and move on for the sake of everyone around me. I don't want to fall apart.

I, in a way, beat myself up over still being so hurt and fragile about it.. like I almost want to tell myself to "get over it" and move on.. but I know it's not that easy.. and now I am more of a paranoid mother than I ever wanted to be.. I don't let Kohen have anything with nuts in it, popcorn, hard candy.. I cut all of his food into bites suited for a six month old... when Kaelyn sleeps I check on her to make sure she is still breathing.. if she coughs I jump to her side and pat her back to make sure she isn't choking.. even the other day she started coughing while we were in the car and I pulled over to check on her... I cringe at kids eating solid foods or 1 year olds eating chips or large chunks of things.. I don't want my other 2 kids to suffer from my paranoia...

I have learned so well to internalize my feelings that even when I talk about it to other people I don't get emotional..sometimes I don't even want to cry when I go to his grave.. like I am ashamed... or if someone sees me get upset I will be embarrased... or make them uncomfortable..

I also hate the fact that I drive myself to do more than the average person in one day.. the fact that I can't sit for more than 15 minutes without moving or cleaning or feeling anxious..

I just to be at peace. to be okay.. to move on.. and let him go.. and not hurt. but I don't know how..