A little bit of this.. A little bit of that

First I would like to happily say that I am blogging from my new blogger app for android. Best thing ever! That way all of you can read my thoughts anywhere I go lol.. so anyways..

Today is day number four on Paxil. Not exactly what I expected. I am experiencing a number of undesirable side affects. For example.. dizziness, gag reflex, shaking/jerkiness, clenching my jaw, and tossing and turning at night. I called my doctor yesterday and she assured me that within the next week or so these symptoms should disapear.. I hope so!!

I have noticed that, even though I'm not sleeping well, that I have a lot more energy and my mood has slightly improved.. not sure if thats all in my head or not lol..

I am going to see a therapist on tuesday. I am anxious for this one.. but excited.

SO... what else has been going on in the Foster household besides me going crazy? (Lol) Well.. Kaelyn is showing signs of wanting to potty train (by this, I mean that every chance she gets, she is stripping her clothes and diaper and peeing everywhere..) When she takes her diaper off she willingly sits on her potty chair, but doesnt go. Hey I'm not complaining she is not even 2 yet. I did have to start puting a onesie on her to bring down the diaper bill.

Kohen is doing really well in kindergarten. We had parent/teacher meetings a couple weeks ago and he is mastering all of his letters, sounds, shapes and numbers. He tells me "mom, I told you I'm a genius" (lol too cute)

Josh has been gone for over 2 weeks doing Army training. I am so proud of this man.. he works so hard! He is currently an E4 working on becoming a SGT. I am just glad we are going to pick him up tomorrow.. put a fork in me, IM DONE lol.

Well thats about it. I'm super excited for the holidays. It entails my 2 favorite things.. family and food!!

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Overall Re-Vamp in Progress..

Okay.. so, if you read my last blog you have noticed that I redesigned my page. Well, if you, again, read my last blog.. that is not the only thing in my life that I am "re-vamping"

As kind of a continuation of my last blog.. I'd like to spill the beans a little further on my process of getting 'me' back.

Those of you who know me, or have been following my blog over the past few years.. know that it's been a rough couple years. Let me rephrase that.. it's been Hell. Well I've kind of been just along for the ride of ups and downs.. but have come to the conclusion that I don't want to be miserable inside my head anymore. I HAVE a choice to be happy.

Ever since my son passed away, I have been plagued with anxiety, paranoia and many other up and down feelings. (don't worry.. no drastic measure thoughts over here) and my friends and family have been constantly suggesting that I get some sort of "help". Well I always thought that I could fix it myself. Yeah. and 3 years later here I am still not "fixing" anything.

I FINALLY went to see my doctor.. I told her everything that has been going on. I am surprised I didn't end up leaving there in a straight jacket with a one way ticket to the mental hospital lol.

I am going to counseling. Yep. It's official.. I am going to go and talk to someone and get it all out.. and HOPEFULLY learn some coping skills with all the other BS that comes along in my life. I am actually kind of excited. ( I guess not really excited to revisit certain topics, but to be able to, not forget, but move on and remember the happy times)

She also put me on some paxil to help take the edge off. Which, I have a LOT of edge to take off.. haha.

So I am hoping that within the next year that I will be able to enjoy my life to the fullest without being afraid. I would like to thank EVERYONE for their support and encouragement. Maybe their IS light at the end of this long tunnel...??

I'm back

Okay.. so I realized that I haven't posted a blog since Kaelyn turned a year old.. I guess life just got away with me.. litterally.. I have recently had an epiphany. I need ME back. Just the plain old fun loving, caring, friendly.. ME..

Somewhere along the journey of my husband going to bootcamp for 5 months, losing my son, having a baby and then having my husband deployed for a year... I lost myself. How does someone survive something like that? I don't know either.. lol.. But I did. Or should I say WE did.. I could have never made it without my husband, children, family, and a few close friends.

But anyways.. back to my first statement. I want ME back.. how did I turn into such a grouchy, non-social, anxiety filled person? I am wound so tight with stress... that sometimes I don't realize that life is passing me by.

So I have made a promise to myself. Kara, get out of your funk! Life happens.. to everyone.. and there's nothing that will take you back and change it. My only option is to put one foot in front of the other and move forward... but this time.. with a smile and open heart. I AM ME. and there's nothing wrong with that. <3

Kaelyn is a Year old!

So my baby girl is now one year old!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! I love her so much. she has been my saving grace through rough times. It's amazing to see her personality bloom brighter each day. Here's a look backwards on how time has flown..

I will cherish these precious moments forever.. from the first time I saw you.. to the second I see your smiling face every morning from now on! I love you baby girl! Happy First Birthday Kaelyn!!

I love my soldier

Next time you see a man in uniform.. stop and say thank you..

Because He is someones dad, brother, son, or husband..

He makes the ultimate sacrifice... for not only his family.. but for you.




So next time you see a soldier.. don't just stare.. thank him for giving up years of his life.. and time away from his family.. so you can live free..

No "Bah-Humbug" this year!

From the beginning of Josh's deployment.. I had NOT been looking forward to any of the holidays.. sad yes.. but for a good reason. Nothing seems complete without your other half with you celebrating. and part of you feels guilty for even having a good time knowing they are stuck in a miserable situation with HoRrIbLe food (and yes I heard the gripes from their 'thanksgiving' feast made by the Indonesians.. not good!).

Josh was originally supposed to come home in january right in time for Kaelyn's first birthday (um mental note.. this year went FAST!) but luckily he is able to come home next week and be here for christmas. how VERY very exciting for our entire family. I heard the song "all I want for christmas is you" on the radio the other day and I teared up! lol. I am just so glad that he can spend christmas with his kids and see the joy on their faces when they open their presents on christmas morning.. because we all know, once he goes back to Iraq its going to be another LONG 7 months til he comes home again.

Which brings me to another subject.... my extreme shopping that has been undergoing for the last oh month! I thought I put all the bulk of the toys in layaway back in november.. but then I keep buying things along the way. and the 100 gift card I had for toys r us didn't help any! lol. I am so glad that this year I have the 2 things that I could ever ask for... 1-my husband home for christmas and 2-my kids getting spoiled with love and happiness (and excessive gifts lol.. not usually a priority but I like to make them happy)

Usually things are always tight and I end up waiting til 3 days before christmas to do all the shopping and it's a bunch of generic miscellaneous things just to make it look like they have a lot to open. I guess one thing good that came out of this whole deployment thing is that we are finally at a point that we are financially stable. (ummm not going to mention that josh doesn't have a job when he gets back... and uhh neither do I... trying to forget that for the moment.)

I know this post sounds like all that matters is the presents I buy for my kids. Not the point that I'm trying to make. It's this: I will do whatever it takes to bring a smile to my kids's faces. I love to see them happy and I would much rather spend the money on them (up to my last dime) than on myself. and they deserve it. Esp. Kohen. he's been through a lot in his short 5 years of life. I love my family and wouldn't trade it for the world! I'm a lucky woman. and don't expect any blogs after monday til the new year because I will be soking up EVERY minute with the love of my life while he is home. thanks everyone for being So SO so very supportive!

Happy Medium

Okay so I have to do some self criticism on this one..

I was talking with my wonderful husband the other day and he said the most true statement that I have ever heard about me.. and started a self analysis.

He said. "Kara you have two extremes.. one being that you want to please everyone and you are overly nice.. and the other is when you can't take it anymore and you explode like a bomb and say things you don't mean.. you need to find a happy medium."

God bless this man... I never looked at it like that before. I have a tendancy to let people walk all over me, use and abuse me, and take advantage of me everyway they can. I end up just holding it all inside.. then it all builds up and I explode and say hurtful things very defensively.. So yes, I need to find that happy medium.. I need to stick up for myself in the appropriate time but do it in a less defensive way. Say things that I don't agree with but, nicely.

I'd like to think that these past 6 months have taught me a lot about myself (as spending every day with screaming crazy children and lonely nights not knowing what to do with myself) I set a goal for myself the day Josh left. This time will be about me and the kids. So for the rest of the time that Josh is gone.. I hope he comes back to a sane.. better understanding wife! lol..

Is it my turn yet??

Do you ever get the feeling that when you are talking to somone that they just really don't care what you are saying??

Do you find that some of the people in your life that are supposed to be deemed most important just really don't give a crap?

This has been happening to me a lot in the past oh say.. since January 26th of 2008.. which by reading my blogs you show know what that date is..

It's funny how you go through something tragic to a very extreme degree but someone related to the situation makes it all about them. I am not one to reach out and constantly expect pity on any situation that I have been through.. but when it comes down to it and I just truely need to vent about something and say I AM HURTING because of this.. why can't I just be given that moment. I don't neccessarily always need to hear "I know exactly how you feel this is whats going in my life" and talk about you for the next 45 minutes. Can I just vent and cry and get some sympathy from people close to me once in a while? What does it take for someone to pick up the phone and say "how are you holding up?" or "I'm so sorry.. I am here for you"

I'd like to say that I am a good listener, supporter, friend, and family member. I constantly go out of my way to please everyone in my life.. but when does it come a point when it's my turn? Where do I stop and say. enough is enough.. I need to focus on me and my kids? I feel like I am constanly being walked all over and taken advantage of and I guess it's kind of my fault because I let it happen. but when I do happen to stand up for myself I'm being a "bitch."

I guess what I need advice on is.. how do I put my foot down.. how do I learn to stick up for myself and tell people how I really feel? I find myself getting so upset about situations and never doing anything about them. I am DONE. I have reached my breaking point. When is it MY turn?

Does Heaven throw birthday parties??

Can I just visit for a day and throw one myself??

Of course.. the thing on my mind is Carter's birthday.. October 26th, 2006 we were blessed with my little angel's life.. So naturally.. after having Kohen's birthday party.. I sure as hell-o.. would love to have one for Carter.. he would be 3 this year.. it breaks my heart everytime I think.. with every passing day.. what he would be like.. what would he have accomplished so far? what would he talk about or think about or say to me.. how he would be an amazing little and big brother to his siblings..

My plan for this year was to celebrate his life.. to have a 'party' for him in his memory.. so why is it that I sit here 12 days before his birthday.. and not want to.. sit here and cry.. and mourn.. and think about his death (still) more than his life.

So my new goal is to just take the day as it comes.. and deal with it the way I feel in the moment..

I saw that krystal was making a video of her son for his first birthday.. so I got to thinking.. I am making a video of Carter's life and his smiles and joy and giving them as presents. on his birthday. to remember him how he should be remembered.. with the joy and life he filled all of our hearts with.. even for the short 15 months he was here.

So I just started uploading pictures.. bad idea.. but when is it EVER going to NOT hurt to look at them.. never.. but I hope one day.. when I look at his pictures.. I think of his joy... I guess it just takes time.. at least that's what everyone says..

One Step Forward..two steps back..

Okay so I've been struggling with nicotine addiction for quite some time now.. so I told myself.. "Kara it's time to quit now!!!"

It was stupid for me to even start smoking cigarettes in the first place.. but what's done is done..

I told myself I would take this next year and try to better myself for my kids and my future.. so the first step I wanted to take was to quit smoking.

Easy?? uh probably not.

I was smoke free for 5 days.. then yesterday I felt my world was crashing.. financially.. emotionally.. etc..

So I was a complete idiot and bought a pack of cigarettes.. complete waste of 5 dollars!!! why did I do that???

I feel like I have no self control or confidence. I feel disappointed. Part of me is like "kara you are kidding.. you can't quit.."

The other half is like.. "yes you can! you can't afford this anymore financially or physically! just do it!!!"

So here I feel like I took one step forward.. and two steps back. I have quit before I can go it again.. or can I? Is this the right time to even attempt it??

I guess what I'm looking for with this post is either advice or encouragement or something. Should I start over tomorrow? or just give up all together. agghhh...

So my little baby girl is 7 months old today!!!

Oh how time flies!

We learned to crawl... fast.. like one minute she is there and the next.. in the other room! Definately hit this milestone wayy too early!! LoL (at 6 months)

Watch out.. Kaelyn is on the move!

She is eating solids.. about 3 times a day for now. She didn't really get the hang of this until a month or so ago. She still has a bit of the reflex but is doing better everyday. She loves sweet potatoes, squash, carrots and bananas... mixed with rice cereal or oatmeal. (texture thing? not sure..) She is not a fan of the tangy fruits like applesauce and pears. We are getting there. She tried peas today for the first time and loved them!

(Big brother is a great helper too!!!)

She loves to play!!

She is sitting pretty all by herself now!!

Um and pulling herself up on EVERYTHING!

This little girl has me in some trouble.. I have a feeling she is going to be walking soon enough! LoL. She keeps me busy.. but I am so blessed.. she is amazing : )

What a mean mommy....

Okay.. so I'm sitting downstairs... right now.. typing... listening through the monitor, hearing Kaelyn on and off cry and whine.. you would think by now (third time around) that I would be immune to baby cries.. non effected... know they are fine..

so why now am I asking for advice? not sure! I feel like a bad mommy letting her lay there and cry.. but she is 7 months old! it's time for her to go to sleep on her own.. right?!?

With Kohen, I would rock him to sleep every night. I had to hold him as tight as I could and pat his butt and slowly lay him down while praying he wouldn't wake up. He always needed his lullaby music too. he started sleeping through the night at about 7 months.

With Carter.. he was a pretty good bed time "go-er" I guess you would call it. well for the most part.. I could lay him down.. he would play in his crib for a while.. then he would get on his hands and knees.. cross his legs.. and rock himself to sleep while grunting ( LoL) but it always did the trick for him after about 20 minutes..

::hearing her whine and cry off and on still::

Now, with my FIRST girl... I am realizing the high emotions starting already.. very "needy"... very "wanting it now" .. and "I'm not giving up mom!!!!"

Does anyone believe the "cry it out" method? It breaks my heart to hear her crying for me.. and not do anything about it.

at what age does it start? or work? for that matter...

::going to give her a binkie..::

Okay... 15 minutes later...

Now I know why she was still awake.. I went upstairs and she was STANDING up and holding onto the edge of her crib!!! Time to lower the matress!!!


So tell me... cry it out?! or what...

Every dream is a Wish your Heart makes..

So I have always wanted to be an independant business owner.. I have always had the idea (for years) to start my own food line. So while josh is gone I'm going to pursue my dreams... I just wanted some advice..

I already have an idea of what I want to do.. I want to make my own marinades, sauces, and dressings from scratch and sell them. somewhere. like the flea market or something.

I want to make marinara sauce, bbq sauces, chicken and beef and fish marinades.. different tasting dressings for calorie lovers and the health conscience.

I already have recipe ideas written and ideas for labels.. but no 'brand' names come to mind.. I wanted to do a tribute name to Carter or something special like that.

I am so fortunate in the fact that my husband is really supportive and pushing me to carry out this dream of mine. who knows.. I could be the next paul newman LOL..

but I really think this could work.. I have the drive, the time, and the culinary background.... what do you think????

Just wanted to update everyone on how the 'Fosters' are doing.. well on the 21st I actually ventured to wisconsin with Kara (josh's battle buddy's wife) and all 4 of our kids. and yes we drove... anyways... it was AWESOME to see Josh again and it was definately a bonus for him to see us and the kids. We camped right next to the base. It was nice to be in our own little space when we wanted and be outdoors too. We went putt putt, we had campfires, we went to a place called knuckleheads which was kind of like a dave and buster's, we shopped at the outlet mall, we went to the commissary and px (everything is tax free!!) and basically just enjoyed each other's company to the fullest. although the trip home was a complete nightmare I'm so glad I was able to go... and YES I bought cheese.. lol..

Kaelyn had her 6 month checkup yesterday. She weighs 17.2 lbs and is 26inches long. Nice and healthy. (uhh yeah in the 75% for her age lol) She is now eating rice cereal, oatmeal, carrots and sweet potatoes. She is not a big fan of tangy fruits like pears or applesauce. She makes a funny face like "what are you trying to feed me? ew!" lol. She is scooting forward on her belly. It's actually kind of entertaining. She looks like she is doing the worm!! haha. She gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth then flops forward. She loves her toys. In fact, I had to give her a whole basket just to store them in.. I put her on the floor and surround her 360 with toys and she is fine for about an hour. Her sleeping is getting there. She goes to bed around 9:30 - 10 and sleeps to about 4 or 5, eats, then goes back to bed til around 7. She is such a happy baby! I am so blessed. She definately loves her mommy. Everytime I talk to her, her face lights up! I love it!!

Kohen is so close to starting school. In a month and 11 days he will offically be in preschool. So scary!!! Josh and I had not started him earlier due to his brother passing away and knowing that Josh was being deployed. He will be 5 in october which is fine because he wouldn't make the kindergarten cut off anyway. He can write his first and last name on paper without any help. He knows how to spell dog, cat, hulk (lol), exit, stop, on, off.. and a few other words.. pretty good for a 4 year old!! He makes me so proud and amazed everyday with his intelligence... but he's also a great entertainer and is crazy and happy beyond belief!

For my Kids Friday... Carter edition..

Okay.. I'm sure you all know about my son, Carter, passing away in january of 2008...

I hate the fact that I blog about this all the time.. but It's my only way to vent..

So the past couple of days have been hard for me.. It's not any occasion that would bring about any strong emotions.. just the thoughts in my head. I was talking to my mother in law today and I told her that I have been intensly thinking about him a lot the past couple of days to the point where I can't go back to sleep in the morning because of having flashbacks..

I wish I could get the point where the good memories shadow the bad ones.. those six days of misery and the ones following his death are blocking the 15 most wonderful months I spent with my son. It's almost like I forgot the happiness and joy his smile brought me.. his laugh.. the way he would stand at my feet and grunt while reaching for me to pick him up.. I struggle with blocking out the nightmares and the pain... and I don't want to forget the good times..

I guess it's been bothering me because I sat down and starting thinking about Kohen's birthday (which is October 10th) then with that comes thinking about Carter's birthday (October 26th) and the fact that he would be 3 years old this year.. and the fact that I have to go through that day (and other occassions) without Josh. Even now just sitting here blogging about it brings extreme anxiety.

I am just sick of hurting... they say that it gets better over time.. but when does that happen?? 2 years? 5? 10? ...I wish it would stop now. ..

Being so angry over his death has cost me the relationship with God that I yearn for.. I want to be close to him..but how do I give him my all when I am still so mad? I smoke too many cigarettes.. I eat like crap.. I drink too much beer (no I am not an alcoholic).. but I am scared to ask for help (by this I mean professional) I feel as though I can do it... I can internalize everything like I always have and move on for the sake of everyone around me. I don't want to fall apart.

I, in a way, beat myself up over still being so hurt and fragile about it.. like I almost want to tell myself to "get over it" and move on.. but I know it's not that easy.. and now I am more of a paranoid mother than I ever wanted to be.. I don't let Kohen have anything with nuts in it, popcorn, hard candy.. I cut all of his food into bites suited for a six month old... when Kaelyn sleeps I check on her to make sure she is still breathing.. if she coughs I jump to her side and pat her back to make sure she isn't choking.. even the other day she started coughing while we were in the car and I pulled over to check on her... I cringe at kids eating solid foods or 1 year olds eating chips or large chunks of things.. I don't want my other 2 kids to suffer from my paranoia...

I have learned so well to internalize my feelings that even when I talk about it to other people I don't get emotional..sometimes I don't even want to cry when I go to his grave.. like I am ashamed... or if someone sees me get upset I will be embarrased... or make them uncomfortable..

I also hate the fact that I drive myself to do more than the average person in one day.. the fact that I can't sit for more than 15 minutes without moving or cleaning or feeling anxious..

I just to be at peace. to be okay.. to move on.. and let him go.. and not hurt. but I don't know how..

Ebay Bummer

Wow.. who knew that life would be so hectic without my other half.. okay I expected a huge disruption but not this huge...

I barely have time to shower, let alone sit here and blog! lol. Good thing you can't smell through the computer huh? ; )

So has anyone sold anything on ebay? well my first attempt was truely poor.. so I relisted my items (which are barbies still in the box that are 12 years old)... so I sold 3 of them! yay!! (right?) wrong... I totally miscalculated how much it would cost me to ship them and after all was said and done I think I profited a total of $1.27. sooo... I might as well have just given them away or kept them.. I was so pissed off on my way out of the post office! When I was shipping one box the mail guy asked me If I wanted to spend 5 more cents to get it there sooner and I said no!! (okay 5 cents is 5 cents)

I guess next time I will pay closer attention to how much shipping I charge.. I am not giving up totally on ebay, cuz it wasn't their fault.. it was mine... so any suggestions on what else I should sell on ebay? strollers? baby clothes? anyone else have experience selling to give me hand?? any feed back would be great.

WoW it's been a while since I have blogged... okay like a week.. but still..

You know when you reach that point in your life when certain people you thought you were close with just don't matter that much anymore? I'm not talking about family or anything like that..

This is hard to explain..

People grow up at different paces.. and sometimes I think that I am growing up faster than others.. I am seeking that true friendship with someone I can truely relate to.. I think Andrea touched on this subject a while ago.. when you have kids it's just different.. people who don't have kids (which I'm not saying if you don't have kids its a bad thing..) just don't really understand the idea of giving everything you have to them.. with you in the back of your mind being untouched..

Even some people I know that DO have kids are not making grown up decisions.. sure I like my night out every couple months to escape.. but I'm not stuck in party mode anymore..

I have been through so much shit in the past 4 years I feel like I'm 50 years old! I always forget the fact that I'm 24! I had Kohen when I was 20 years old.. then I got married at 21.. had Carter when I was 22.. Josh left for 5 months for boot camp.. 2 months later..lost Carter at 23..had Kaelyn in January.. and now Josh is gone for a year in IRAQ...

I guess what I'm trying to say is.. I need people in my life that share the same values.. the same beliefs.. understand where I've been and where I'm going... I have just come to the point where I need to cut out the bullshit in my life and focus on who and what are important..

Thankful Thursday..

Although she is miles away ( in florida) I cannot thank her enough... she has been my shoulder to cry on so often I cannot count.. I can call her when I'm having a bad day.. or I'm bored..and she will ALWAYS listen..

I realize now.. being a mother.. how much she went through raising 3 kids..

and I appreciate her so much more..

and for that I am thankful..

Love you MOM!!

Night Out

Okay so tonight is a big night.. (well in my book..) I actually get to go somewhere..drink.. and spend the night.. WITHOUT my kids..

God bless my children and everyone knows how much I love them.. but man.. this "single" parenting thing is harder than I thought.. I just wanted to show my appreciation to those of you who have to do it on your own. I have a lot of respect for you.. You can't just go to the store.. or out for dinner.. or whatever whenever you want. (which I didn't really do before anyway..but..)

It's just a lot of pressure knowing that it is all on you. Besides family members.. there is no one to say.. "let me take care of the baby today so you can get stuff done.. or rest for a bit.."

I know this experience will make me appreciate my husband even more than I already do.. He is my best friend.. and my other half. I don't know what I would do without him!

So..tonight... I have a babysitter, ALL NIGHT, and I'm actually going to do something fun.. and drama free..

For my Kids..

It is for my kids friday..

This one goes out to Kohen.

Yesterday I was cleaning out my garage... in bare feet.. (yes stupid!)

I gashed the bottom of my toe open and it started gushing blood.

Kohen was like "mom are you alright!" ...."no buddy mommy hurt her toe really bad.."

Call me a wimp..but it really hurt and I was almost in tears..

"It's okay mommy..(as he pats me on the back).. it will be alright"

Followed by.."Your blood is coming out of your brain!! "

LMAO.. priceless..