Is it my turn yet??

Do you ever get the feeling that when you are talking to somone that they just really don't care what you are saying??

Do you find that some of the people in your life that are supposed to be deemed most important just really don't give a crap?

This has been happening to me a lot in the past oh say.. since January 26th of 2008.. which by reading my blogs you show know what that date is..

It's funny how you go through something tragic to a very extreme degree but someone related to the situation makes it all about them. I am not one to reach out and constantly expect pity on any situation that I have been through.. but when it comes down to it and I just truely need to vent about something and say I AM HURTING because of this.. why can't I just be given that moment. I don't neccessarily always need to hear "I know exactly how you feel this is whats going in my life" and talk about you for the next 45 minutes. Can I just vent and cry and get some sympathy from people close to me once in a while? What does it take for someone to pick up the phone and say "how are you holding up?" or "I'm so sorry.. I am here for you"

I'd like to say that I am a good listener, supporter, friend, and family member. I constantly go out of my way to please everyone in my life.. but when does it come a point when it's my turn? Where do I stop and say. enough is enough.. I need to focus on me and my kids? I feel like I am constanly being walked all over and taken advantage of and I guess it's kind of my fault because I let it happen. but when I do happen to stand up for myself I'm being a "bitch."

I guess what I need advice on is.. how do I put my foot down.. how do I learn to stick up for myself and tell people how I really feel? I find myself getting so upset about situations and never doing anything about them. I am DONE. I have reached my breaking point. When is it MY turn?

Does Heaven throw birthday parties??

Can I just visit for a day and throw one myself??

Of course.. the thing on my mind is Carter's birthday.. October 26th, 2006 we were blessed with my little angel's life.. So naturally.. after having Kohen's birthday party.. I sure as hell-o.. would love to have one for Carter.. he would be 3 this year.. it breaks my heart everytime I think.. with every passing day.. what he would be like.. what would he have accomplished so far? what would he talk about or think about or say to me.. how he would be an amazing little and big brother to his siblings..

My plan for this year was to celebrate his life.. to have a 'party' for him in his memory.. so why is it that I sit here 12 days before his birthday.. and not want to.. sit here and cry.. and mourn.. and think about his death (still) more than his life.

So my new goal is to just take the day as it comes.. and deal with it the way I feel in the moment..

I saw that krystal was making a video of her son for his first birthday.. so I got to thinking.. I am making a video of Carter's life and his smiles and joy and giving them as presents. on his birthday. to remember him how he should be remembered.. with the joy and life he filled all of our hearts with.. even for the short 15 months he was here.

So I just started uploading pictures.. bad idea.. but when is it EVER going to NOT hurt to look at them.. never.. but I hope one day.. when I look at his pictures.. I think of his joy... I guess it just takes time.. at least that's what everyone says..

One Step Forward..two steps back..

Okay so I've been struggling with nicotine addiction for quite some time now.. so I told myself.. "Kara it's time to quit now!!!"

It was stupid for me to even start smoking cigarettes in the first place.. but what's done is done..

I told myself I would take this next year and try to better myself for my kids and my future.. so the first step I wanted to take was to quit smoking.

Easy?? uh probably not.

I was smoke free for 5 days.. then yesterday I felt my world was crashing.. financially.. emotionally.. etc..

So I was a complete idiot and bought a pack of cigarettes.. complete waste of 5 dollars!!! why did I do that???

I feel like I have no self control or confidence. I feel disappointed. Part of me is like "kara you are kidding.. you can't quit.."

The other half is like.. "yes you can! you can't afford this anymore financially or physically! just do it!!!"

So here I feel like I took one step forward.. and two steps back. I have quit before I can go it again.. or can I? Is this the right time to even attempt it??

I guess what I'm looking for with this post is either advice or encouragement or something. Should I start over tomorrow? or just give up all together. agghhh...

So my little baby girl is 7 months old today!!!

Oh how time flies!

We learned to crawl... fast.. like one minute she is there and the next.. in the other room! Definately hit this milestone wayy too early!! LoL (at 6 months)

Watch out.. Kaelyn is on the move!

She is eating solids.. about 3 times a day for now. She didn't really get the hang of this until a month or so ago. She still has a bit of the reflex but is doing better everyday. She loves sweet potatoes, squash, carrots and bananas... mixed with rice cereal or oatmeal. (texture thing? not sure..) She is not a fan of the tangy fruits like applesauce and pears. We are getting there. She tried peas today for the first time and loved them!

(Big brother is a great helper too!!!)

She loves to play!!

She is sitting pretty all by herself now!!

Um and pulling herself up on EVERYTHING!

This little girl has me in some trouble.. I have a feeling she is going to be walking soon enough! LoL. She keeps me busy.. but I am so blessed.. she is amazing : )

What a mean mommy....

Okay.. so I'm sitting downstairs... right now.. typing... listening through the monitor, hearing Kaelyn on and off cry and whine.. you would think by now (third time around) that I would be immune to baby cries.. non effected... know they are fine..

so why now am I asking for advice? not sure! I feel like a bad mommy letting her lay there and cry.. but she is 7 months old! it's time for her to go to sleep on her own.. right?!?

With Kohen, I would rock him to sleep every night. I had to hold him as tight as I could and pat his butt and slowly lay him down while praying he wouldn't wake up. He always needed his lullaby music too. he started sleeping through the night at about 7 months.

With Carter.. he was a pretty good bed time "go-er" I guess you would call it. well for the most part.. I could lay him down.. he would play in his crib for a while.. then he would get on his hands and knees.. cross his legs.. and rock himself to sleep while grunting ( LoL) but it always did the trick for him after about 20 minutes..

::hearing her whine and cry off and on still::

Now, with my FIRST girl... I am realizing the high emotions starting already.. very "needy"... very "wanting it now" .. and "I'm not giving up mom!!!!"

Does anyone believe the "cry it out" method? It breaks my heart to hear her crying for me.. and not do anything about it.

at what age does it start? or work? for that matter...

::going to give her a binkie..::

Okay... 15 minutes later...

Now I know why she was still awake.. I went upstairs and she was STANDING up and holding onto the edge of her crib!!! Time to lower the matress!!!


So tell me... cry it out?! or what...

Every dream is a Wish your Heart makes..

So I have always wanted to be an independant business owner.. I have always had the idea (for years) to start my own food line. So while josh is gone I'm going to pursue my dreams... I just wanted some advice..

I already have an idea of what I want to do.. I want to make my own marinades, sauces, and dressings from scratch and sell them. somewhere. like the flea market or something.

I want to make marinara sauce, bbq sauces, chicken and beef and fish marinades.. different tasting dressings for calorie lovers and the health conscience.

I already have recipe ideas written and ideas for labels.. but no 'brand' names come to mind.. I wanted to do a tribute name to Carter or something special like that.

I am so fortunate in the fact that my husband is really supportive and pushing me to carry out this dream of mine. who knows.. I could be the next paul newman LOL..

but I really think this could work.. I have the drive, the time, and the culinary background.... what do you think????

Just wanted to update everyone on how the 'Fosters' are doing.. well on the 21st I actually ventured to wisconsin with Kara (josh's battle buddy's wife) and all 4 of our kids. and yes we drove... anyways... it was AWESOME to see Josh again and it was definately a bonus for him to see us and the kids. We camped right next to the base. It was nice to be in our own little space when we wanted and be outdoors too. We went putt putt, we had campfires, we went to a place called knuckleheads which was kind of like a dave and buster's, we shopped at the outlet mall, we went to the commissary and px (everything is tax free!!) and basically just enjoyed each other's company to the fullest. although the trip home was a complete nightmare I'm so glad I was able to go... and YES I bought cheese.. lol..

Kaelyn had her 6 month checkup yesterday. She weighs 17.2 lbs and is 26inches long. Nice and healthy. (uhh yeah in the 75% for her age lol) She is now eating rice cereal, oatmeal, carrots and sweet potatoes. She is not a big fan of tangy fruits like pears or applesauce. She makes a funny face like "what are you trying to feed me? ew!" lol. She is scooting forward on her belly. It's actually kind of entertaining. She looks like she is doing the worm!! haha. She gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth then flops forward. She loves her toys. In fact, I had to give her a whole basket just to store them in.. I put her on the floor and surround her 360 with toys and she is fine for about an hour. Her sleeping is getting there. She goes to bed around 9:30 - 10 and sleeps to about 4 or 5, eats, then goes back to bed til around 7. She is such a happy baby! I am so blessed. She definately loves her mommy. Everytime I talk to her, her face lights up! I love it!!

Kohen is so close to starting school. In a month and 11 days he will offically be in preschool. So scary!!! Josh and I had not started him earlier due to his brother passing away and knowing that Josh was being deployed. He will be 5 in october which is fine because he wouldn't make the kindergarten cut off anyway. He can write his first and last name on paper without any help. He knows how to spell dog, cat, hulk (lol), exit, stop, on, off.. and a few other words.. pretty good for a 4 year old!! He makes me so proud and amazed everyday with his intelligence... but he's also a great entertainer and is crazy and happy beyond belief!