What's on my mind today?? A million things as usual...so many things to get done before josh leaves..

He is still working his job as a mechanic at the armory in ravenna 4 days a week 10 hours a day. so that leaves 3 more weekends to get things done and visit everyone that we want to before he leaves. Well this weekend is Easter. Saturday we are going easter shopping for the kids. Which apparently the "easter bunny" visited my mom's house in florida because she shipped 3 big boxes of stuff for Kohen and Kaelyn. Sunday we are going to do our own easter festivities and then head over to my grandma's house around 2.

Monday Josh wants to complete his obsessions of tattoos and get 2 more. We also have to go and get a military ID card for Kohen and I. That way we can get full military benefits while he is gone such as medical and shopping..discounts..among other things.

Next weekend we are going to his dad's house all day saturday to spend time with his dad, stepmom. and little sister. Sunday is Alicia's house warming party..

The weekend of the 25th and 26th, the family and I are attending an informational meeting for the families of soldiers being deployed...that night we are supposed to have josh's going away party..the next day my dad and my stepmom are having a steak dinner for josh and immediate family. BUSY BUSY!!!

So much to think about.. other things that HAVE to get done before he leaves is general power of attorney and we are able to get a 6% interest rate on our car loan while he is deployed (AWESOME!) so we have to submit the papers for that. The kids and I get full benefits (health wise) while he is gone with tricare so we have to find a family doctor that accepts that. From what I hear the benefits are amazing. (duh it's the government!)

We REALLY want to buy a house when he gets back. and since everything he makes over there is tax free I want to use that extra money to pay off our debt and put a little aside each month for our down payment. as of right now I can't even get a prepaid visa card (lol j/k but you get the point..) I want to have at least 10,000 saved up within the year and a half for a down payment for a house.

So..I have also been making plans for things to do while he is gone...
I HAVE to quit smoking..it's killing me..literally... and I want to lose weight. at least 10 lbs. My face and stomach both look totally fat. Others might slap me in the face for thinking this way but I have always been tiny and I prefer myself that way. I'm not going crazy and losing like 20 lbs or anything but I know I could be more in shape. I want to start excercising and eating healthy. especially if I am going to florida this summer... this postpreggo body is NOT going into a bathing suit... with the first 2 kids the weight just kinda shed off.. but it seems like I am getting fatter by the day...of course the extra calories from drinking beer isn't helping lol

alright well, as usual..the baby keeps crying and kohen is driving me nuts...

Dedicated to my hero..my husband

OH, WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD?
TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES
COME ON AND COME TO ME NOW
DON'T BE ASHAMED TO CRY
LET ME SEE YOU THROUGH
'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THE DARK SIDE TOO

WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
NOTHING YOU CONFESS
COULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
SO IF YOU'RE MAD, GET MAD
DON'T HOLD IT ALL INSIDE
COME ON AND TALK TO ME NOW

HEY, WHAT YOU GOT TO HIDE?
I GET ANGRY TOO
WELL I'M A LOT LIKE YOU

WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE CROSSROADS
AND DON'T KNOW WHICH PATH TO CHOOSE
LET ME COME ALONG
'CAUSE EVEN IF YOU'RE WRONG
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU

TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
AND WHEN...
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU, BABY
YOU'RE FEELING ALL ALONE
YOU WON'T BE ON YOUR OWN
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU

Yeah so I already had a sappy morning.. See above.. Yet again..not going to jump into that topic or my blog would be 10 pages long..my heart is still aching...
ANYWAY...
So...I finally finished backing up my pictures onto cds, which I have been meaning to do for a long time now. I just got scared considering my microwave, washer, and two (yes 2) tvs are broken.. didn't want a computer disaster to wipe out all of my much needed memories..

The countdown begins..and no not a happy one..27 days til josh starts training to go to iraq. I think I have just been puting off thinking about it because it still doesn't seem real. Just like when he left for 5 months for basic and AIT.. it didn't hit me until the drive home that I wouldn't be seeing him for a while. and yes, those 5 months seemed like an eternity, I can only image how long the next year and a half will feel like..

I know I can take care of the kids, bills, etc...but I just worry about him. Kohen's 5th birthday..him going to preschool..kaelyn's first birthday..first words..walking.. he missed all of it with carter and I swore he wouldn't go through that again..well here we are...

There is also the fact that he is going to WAR..can't ignore that fact.. I don't even want to think about what would happen if he didn't make it home..I'm praying for the best..

"Praying".. Okay, this is one topic I can't ignore... I have ALWAYS been religious..and I DO believe in God..I just unfortunately doubt his motives.. which is not exactly the thing I should be thinking if I want to go to heaven and see my precious baby boy again...but I'm sure someday..(NOT NOW)..I will forgive him for taking Carter away from me..cuz it sure as hell doesn't make any sense to me..

ALRIGHT...I said I wasn't getting into that today... ANYWAYS.. You would think that since Kohen now has his own little dwelling with all of his toys that he would be super excited...NOPE still biting at my ankles...see yesterday's post about my ongoing insanity...

So..the fighter group called me a couple days ago and asked me if I could work monday and tuesday so knowing that we need the extra money I made arrangements to work the two days... it's only 5 hours both days..not much but at least I will get out of the house AND make enough to pay the difference on our washer..or fix the tv..or buy a new microwave...haven't decided yet... even though I make good money josh referred to it as "chump change" and that it wasn't worth working those 2 days.. which is his way of saying I love and you and would rather you stay home and spend time with me before I leave... well at least that's what i'm trying to hear..

is that enough mindless rambling? yeah I think so..at least for today...

Round and Round we go..

another day...another boring day.. I think I have been stuck in this house for almost a week straight.. by myself..I'm GOING CRAZY! So I got the computer moved and the office set up. I also brought all of kohen's toys downstairs and it is officially his play room now.. one confined space for all of his crap!

So I took some updated pics of the kiddos ..

Miss Kaelyn


Mr. Kohen

I will post more on my myspace later..
So what's on the agenda today? cleaning..what else? oh yeah taking care of the rugrats..Which brings me to a point..

The day before thanksgiving..I took my maternity leave..which they should rename my "insanity" leave.. time for me to be stuck in the house day in and day out with kids (god bless them) driving me up the wall.. The sad thing is.. most days I do have a car. but only for times that I want to venture out and HAVE to go somewhere. I would love to have some sort of hobby..or thing to do. but I don't. I need something to keep my brain from melting into a pile of goo...cuz ya know the only person I have to talk to is 4 and loves superheros..not the BEST conversation for a 24 year old adult..

You know what is involved by just running down the street to the grocery store??? get both kids dressed, fed (most importantly, because no one would appreciate me pulling off the side of the road to feed a screaming baby and a little boy saying "I WAN'T MCDONALDS!! please mommy please please please...)...now with a baby you have to bundle them up (great ohio weather..spring? what?).. strap them in the carseat..make sure the base and the booster seat are in the car..load them up..get in..drive..unload them into the store.. (and let me tell you most carts are not carseat friendly) shop why saying no you can't have that, no I'm not buying you a toy...we can eat AGAIN when we get home..etc..checkout, push the groceries AND the children out to the car..load up the kids..load up the grocers.. and do it all over again when we get home.. now a simple 5 minute trip turned into 2 hours.. okay maybe I am exaggerating a little bit but there have been trips to the store where I get home and start pulling my hair out..

So my rambling has a point.. where is my "ME" time? Did I officially say goodbye to it when I starting having children when I was 19 years old? I love my life and everything in it but parts of me wishes that I could maybe just have sometime for myself. Especially because my heart is still broken from the tragedy that we won't talk about today (or I will be a pile of goo..) No time to heal..no time to take care of myself.. I can barely take a shower without kohen popping in or hearing the baby cry..so I sit on the computer with kohen at my ankles playing and the baby right at my side (because heaven forbid I leave her cuz she FREAKS out..) Mindless mindless typing and web surfing..It's either that or clean..which gets a little redundant..

Is it my destiny that I live for everyone else and let myself sink away? It seems that way..

My kids ARE my life..without them? I wouldn't have one..

Okay... another new day... same as yesterday.. stuck at the house with the crappy weather outside..but the kicker is Josh won't be home til 9 tonight because he has drill at the armory..another friday night alone.. okay enough with the pity party...

So alicia moved out with nick into their own place. I'm really proud of her. She only lived here for like 5 months but It was enough to help her out..and it helped us out as well... so I've been thinking about what to do with the extra room.. see we have a finished basement and one room is the playroom (off the garage) and the other is just a spare room with access to the back door. The laundry room (equipped with an extra toilet) is off of the spare room. So I was thinking about turning it into the office. With the computer and lots of grownup things that shouldn't be in the playroom. That way ALL of kohen's mass amount of toys can be in the playroom instead of his bedroom. Because as of right now they are always overflowing into the hallway..my room..the living room etc...

Which brings to another issue... Kaelyn will be over a year and a half when josh gets back.. eventually she has to get out of mommy's room..because it's just not healthy for either of us. So josh and I talked about it...and there has to be a decision made about Carter's stuff. (which may I remind you I haven't touched since the day he went to the hospital..still all in it's place...including his crib and blankets..) But.. I need to start letting go.. Josh made a good point that his worldy posessions are not him..they will not bring him back... so what do I do with them? I can't box them up.. I can't give them away.. My friend Tiff suggested making a quilt with his clothes and her grandmother would be honored to do it.. which would (for me) probably be the best option.. so I could have them forever..but not in a weird way..

Josh also made a point that he thinks Carter would be happy if his little sister slept in his bed...as Kohen also slept in that crib when he was a baby.. so it would only make sense to treat her the same..even though Carter is not here.. I have just been dreading this moment since he passed..but I also know that it has only been 15 months since he left..rush it? not sure...

anyways...

how about an update on baby Kaelyn..
She is 10 weeks old..
She weighs 12lbs (70th percentile) and is 22 inches long (35th percentile) she's got finger toes and big feet like her mom..hazel eyes (and no they are not brown) like her dad. She has been smiling and cooing for a couple weeks now. It's the most adorable thing when she hears her momma's voice and looks at me with those sweet eyes and smiles. I LOVE IT! She is just about out of her size 1 diapers (well should be in 2's but I'm stretching the ones i have lol) and she's still in 0-3 mo clothes. She's a blessing everyday!
Alright.. more tomorrow..

To My Child

© Elizabeth M. PIllari

Come back into the fold
of my protective wings.
Let not your spirit be restless,
For you are here with me.
I will always be
your one on which to lean,
your rock, your number one fan.
Fear not child
to speak your mind.
Undo the wrongs of the day,
And together we'll make them right.
Speak of heartaches,
so that they may be subdued.
Share your joys,
so that they may be my joys too.
Always know that I am with you,
For you are my precious gift
from God.
I will always love you,
And keep you safe from life's hardships.
I will cushion your bumps,
And tend to your scrapes.
I will guide you tenderly;
Your brilliant eyes
will always be my sun;
Share with me your heart,
And I with you.
I love you.
Mom

Random Thoughts for today...

Since josh is leaving I think it will be good for me to post a daily blog to put my thoughts somewhere... so I'm going to try to do it everyday.. so here's whats going on in my head today...

Well we are finally getting a new washer in like a week. It only took them a month to give me a store credit..but of course it's for the price of the original washer not for how much it actually costs now.. hate warranty companies.. oh and on that note..the lamp in our 52" tv blew and we called the warranty company...SORRY! we don't cover that... WHATEVER...
NEXT!
Kaelyn has been on this kick lately that everytime I leave the room she cries.. like a devastating, please don't leave me, cry. By the time I get to her to pick her up she is practically hyperventilating! Makes it kind of difficult to get anything done...oh..there she goes...Sometimes I hear her crying and she isn't making a noise..likes its imbedded in my head or something!

Kohen is going to preschool in the fall...my baby is growing up! We have to schedule a visit here soon before josh leaves. He really wanted to be there for Kohen's first day of school but the one that we picked, also most affordable, doesn't start until september. It's a christian based preschool which I am happy about. Since I don't go to church (whole other story...) I at least want him to learn more about God and the bible.

ten minutes later... sorry had to rescue the screaming baby who is now clinging to me like it's the end of the world....

well more tomorrow.. kohen is saying he is starving even though he already ate a banana, applesauce and a nutrigrain bar....