Kaelyn is a Year old!

So my baby girl is now one year old!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! I love her so much. she has been my saving grace through rough times. It's amazing to see her personality bloom brighter each day. Here's a look backwards on how time has flown..

I will cherish these precious moments forever.. from the first time I saw you.. to the second I see your smiling face every morning from now on! I love you baby girl! Happy First Birthday Kaelyn!!

I love my soldier

Next time you see a man in uniform.. stop and say thank you..

Because He is someones dad, brother, son, or husband..

He makes the ultimate sacrifice... for not only his family.. but for you.




So next time you see a soldier.. don't just stare.. thank him for giving up years of his life.. and time away from his family.. so you can live free..

No "Bah-Humbug" this year!

From the beginning of Josh's deployment.. I had NOT been looking forward to any of the holidays.. sad yes.. but for a good reason. Nothing seems complete without your other half with you celebrating. and part of you feels guilty for even having a good time knowing they are stuck in a miserable situation with HoRrIbLe food (and yes I heard the gripes from their 'thanksgiving' feast made by the Indonesians.. not good!).

Josh was originally supposed to come home in january right in time for Kaelyn's first birthday (um mental note.. this year went FAST!) but luckily he is able to come home next week and be here for christmas. how VERY very exciting for our entire family. I heard the song "all I want for christmas is you" on the radio the other day and I teared up! lol. I am just so glad that he can spend christmas with his kids and see the joy on their faces when they open their presents on christmas morning.. because we all know, once he goes back to Iraq its going to be another LONG 7 months til he comes home again.

Which brings me to another subject.... my extreme shopping that has been undergoing for the last oh month! I thought I put all the bulk of the toys in layaway back in november.. but then I keep buying things along the way. and the 100 gift card I had for toys r us didn't help any! lol. I am so glad that this year I have the 2 things that I could ever ask for... 1-my husband home for christmas and 2-my kids getting spoiled with love and happiness (and excessive gifts lol.. not usually a priority but I like to make them happy)

Usually things are always tight and I end up waiting til 3 days before christmas to do all the shopping and it's a bunch of generic miscellaneous things just to make it look like they have a lot to open. I guess one thing good that came out of this whole deployment thing is that we are finally at a point that we are financially stable. (ummm not going to mention that josh doesn't have a job when he gets back... and uhh neither do I... trying to forget that for the moment.)

I know this post sounds like all that matters is the presents I buy for my kids. Not the point that I'm trying to make. It's this: I will do whatever it takes to bring a smile to my kids's faces. I love to see them happy and I would much rather spend the money on them (up to my last dime) than on myself. and they deserve it. Esp. Kohen. he's been through a lot in his short 5 years of life. I love my family and wouldn't trade it for the world! I'm a lucky woman. and don't expect any blogs after monday til the new year because I will be soking up EVERY minute with the love of my life while he is home. thanks everyone for being So SO so very supportive!

Happy Medium

Okay so I have to do some self criticism on this one..

I was talking with my wonderful husband the other day and he said the most true statement that I have ever heard about me.. and started a self analysis.

He said. "Kara you have two extremes.. one being that you want to please everyone and you are overly nice.. and the other is when you can't take it anymore and you explode like a bomb and say things you don't mean.. you need to find a happy medium."

God bless this man... I never looked at it like that before. I have a tendancy to let people walk all over me, use and abuse me, and take advantage of me everyway they can. I end up just holding it all inside.. then it all builds up and I explode and say hurtful things very defensively.. So yes, I need to find that happy medium.. I need to stick up for myself in the appropriate time but do it in a less defensive way. Say things that I don't agree with but, nicely.

I'd like to think that these past 6 months have taught me a lot about myself (as spending every day with screaming crazy children and lonely nights not knowing what to do with myself) I set a goal for myself the day Josh left. This time will be about me and the kids. So for the rest of the time that Josh is gone.. I hope he comes back to a sane.. better understanding wife! lol..

Is it my turn yet??

Do you ever get the feeling that when you are talking to somone that they just really don't care what you are saying??

Do you find that some of the people in your life that are supposed to be deemed most important just really don't give a crap?

This has been happening to me a lot in the past oh say.. since January 26th of 2008.. which by reading my blogs you show know what that date is..

It's funny how you go through something tragic to a very extreme degree but someone related to the situation makes it all about them. I am not one to reach out and constantly expect pity on any situation that I have been through.. but when it comes down to it and I just truely need to vent about something and say I AM HURTING because of this.. why can't I just be given that moment. I don't neccessarily always need to hear "I know exactly how you feel this is whats going in my life" and talk about you for the next 45 minutes. Can I just vent and cry and get some sympathy from people close to me once in a while? What does it take for someone to pick up the phone and say "how are you holding up?" or "I'm so sorry.. I am here for you"

I'd like to say that I am a good listener, supporter, friend, and family member. I constantly go out of my way to please everyone in my life.. but when does it come a point when it's my turn? Where do I stop and say. enough is enough.. I need to focus on me and my kids? I feel like I am constanly being walked all over and taken advantage of and I guess it's kind of my fault because I let it happen. but when I do happen to stand up for myself I'm being a "bitch."

I guess what I need advice on is.. how do I put my foot down.. how do I learn to stick up for myself and tell people how I really feel? I find myself getting so upset about situations and never doing anything about them. I am DONE. I have reached my breaking point. When is it MY turn?

Does Heaven throw birthday parties??

Can I just visit for a day and throw one myself??

Of course.. the thing on my mind is Carter's birthday.. October 26th, 2006 we were blessed with my little angel's life.. So naturally.. after having Kohen's birthday party.. I sure as hell-o.. would love to have one for Carter.. he would be 3 this year.. it breaks my heart everytime I think.. with every passing day.. what he would be like.. what would he have accomplished so far? what would he talk about or think about or say to me.. how he would be an amazing little and big brother to his siblings..

My plan for this year was to celebrate his life.. to have a 'party' for him in his memory.. so why is it that I sit here 12 days before his birthday.. and not want to.. sit here and cry.. and mourn.. and think about his death (still) more than his life.

So my new goal is to just take the day as it comes.. and deal with it the way I feel in the moment..

I saw that krystal was making a video of her son for his first birthday.. so I got to thinking.. I am making a video of Carter's life and his smiles and joy and giving them as presents. on his birthday. to remember him how he should be remembered.. with the joy and life he filled all of our hearts with.. even for the short 15 months he was here.

So I just started uploading pictures.. bad idea.. but when is it EVER going to NOT hurt to look at them.. never.. but I hope one day.. when I look at his pictures.. I think of his joy... I guess it just takes time.. at least that's what everyone says..

One Step Forward..two steps back..

Okay so I've been struggling with nicotine addiction for quite some time now.. so I told myself.. "Kara it's time to quit now!!!"

It was stupid for me to even start smoking cigarettes in the first place.. but what's done is done..

I told myself I would take this next year and try to better myself for my kids and my future.. so the first step I wanted to take was to quit smoking.

Easy?? uh probably not.

I was smoke free for 5 days.. then yesterday I felt my world was crashing.. financially.. emotionally.. etc..

So I was a complete idiot and bought a pack of cigarettes.. complete waste of 5 dollars!!! why did I do that???

I feel like I have no self control or confidence. I feel disappointed. Part of me is like "kara you are kidding.. you can't quit.."

The other half is like.. "yes you can! you can't afford this anymore financially or physically! just do it!!!"

So here I feel like I took one step forward.. and two steps back. I have quit before I can go it again.. or can I? Is this the right time to even attempt it??

I guess what I'm looking for with this post is either advice or encouragement or something. Should I start over tomorrow? or just give up all together. agghhh...