Saturday, November 15, 2008

New Place For My Thoughts

So I started this blog because I find it theraputic to sit and evaluate things that go on in my head. Trust me it is a jumbled mess sometimes. So, to update people on how I've been doing and things that have been going on I decided to blog my thoughts.

Being pregnant has always been pretty much an anti-social time for me. Not really on purpose but I think god gives me this time to try to get my head on straight. After Carter passed away I started spiralling into a really bad place, which losing a son will do to any mother. But, I starting heavily drinking and not handling what I was feeling very well. The past 7 months has given me time to not forget what happened but to remember what I did have when he was here. I miss him with every aching bone in my body but I still see his smile as bright as if he were standing in front of me.
Being pregnant again brings a lot of mixed emotions for me. I am totally excited because I've always wanted a girl. It just scares the hell out of me bringing another new life into this world that I have to take care of and protect from whatever evils might come accross us. It terrifies me because as a mother I could do nothing to save Carter from dying. What is going to save my new little girl. I do everything possible as a mother to protect my children and one gets taken away anyway. I understand that life is not in my hands, but with god. He has a plan for everyone..but why did he choose Carter..why us? why him? No matter how much I believe and trust in God..these questions will haunt me forever.
Having a baby..whether it be your first, or fifth, is always a new adventure. You never know what to expect because every child is different. The circumstances are get make different decisions with each one. So it's like starting from page one on how to raise a child each time! There will always be doubts, "Did I do the right thing?" it's definately a bumpy road.
So going into this for the third time, I am staying optomistic, At least trying to. A fresh start. Everyone deserves one? right?