Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Does Heaven throw birthday parties??

Can I just visit for a day and throw one myself??

Of course.. the thing on my mind is Carter's birthday.. October 26th, 2006 we were blessed with my little angel's life.. So naturally.. after having Kohen's birthday party.. I sure as hell-o.. would love to have one for Carter.. he would be 3 this year.. it breaks my heart everytime I think.. with every passing day.. what he would be like.. what would he have accomplished so far? what would he talk about or think about or say to me.. how he would be an amazing little and big brother to his siblings..

My plan for this year was to celebrate his life.. to have a 'party' for him in his memory.. so why is it that I sit here 12 days before his birthday.. and not want to.. sit here and cry.. and mourn.. and think about his death (still) more than his life.

So my new goal is to just take the day as it comes.. and deal with it the way I feel in the moment..

I saw that krystal was making a video of her son for his first birthday.. so I got to thinking.. I am making a video of Carter's life and his smiles and joy and giving them as presents. on his birthday. to remember him how he should be remembered.. with the joy and life he filled all of our hearts with.. even for the short 15 months he was here.

So I just started uploading pictures.. bad idea.. but when is it EVER going to NOT hurt to look at them.. never.. but I hope one day.. when I look at his pictures.. I think of his joy... I guess it just takes time.. at least that's what everyone says..