No "Bah-Humbug" this year!

From the beginning of Josh's deployment.. I had NOT been looking forward to any of the holidays.. sad yes.. but for a good reason. Nothing seems complete without your other half with you celebrating. and part of you feels guilty for even having a good time knowing they are stuck in a miserable situation with HoRrIbLe food (and yes I heard the gripes from their 'thanksgiving' feast made by the Indonesians.. not good!).

Josh was originally supposed to come home in january right in time for Kaelyn's first birthday (um mental note.. this year went FAST!) but luckily he is able to come home next week and be here for christmas. how VERY very exciting for our entire family. I heard the song "all I want for christmas is you" on the radio the other day and I teared up! lol. I am just so glad that he can spend christmas with his kids and see the joy on their faces when they open their presents on christmas morning.. because we all know, once he goes back to Iraq its going to be another LONG 7 months til he comes home again.

Which brings me to another subject.... my extreme shopping that has been undergoing for the last oh month! I thought I put all the bulk of the toys in layaway back in november.. but then I keep buying things along the way. and the 100 gift card I had for toys r us didn't help any! lol. I am so glad that this year I have the 2 things that I could ever ask for... 1-my husband home for christmas and 2-my kids getting spoiled with love and happiness (and excessive gifts lol.. not usually a priority but I like to make them happy)

Usually things are always tight and I end up waiting til 3 days before christmas to do all the shopping and it's a bunch of generic miscellaneous things just to make it look like they have a lot to open. I guess one thing good that came out of this whole deployment thing is that we are finally at a point that we are financially stable. (ummm not going to mention that josh doesn't have a job when he gets back... and uhh neither do I... trying to forget that for the moment.)

I know this post sounds like all that matters is the presents I buy for my kids. Not the point that I'm trying to make. It's this: I will do whatever it takes to bring a smile to my kids's faces. I love to see them happy and I would much rather spend the money on them (up to my last dime) than on myself. and they deserve it. Esp. Kohen. he's been through a lot in his short 5 years of life. I love my family and wouldn't trade it for the world! I'm a lucky woman. and don't expect any blogs after monday til the new year because I will be soking up EVERY minute with the love of my life while he is home. thanks everyone for being So SO so very supportive!

Happy Medium

Okay so I have to do some self criticism on this one..

I was talking with my wonderful husband the other day and he said the most true statement that I have ever heard about me.. and started a self analysis.

He said. "Kara you have two extremes.. one being that you want to please everyone and you are overly nice.. and the other is when you can't take it anymore and you explode like a bomb and say things you don't mean.. you need to find a happy medium."

God bless this man... I never looked at it like that before. I have a tendancy to let people walk all over me, use and abuse me, and take advantage of me everyway they can. I end up just holding it all inside.. then it all builds up and I explode and say hurtful things very defensively.. So yes, I need to find that happy medium.. I need to stick up for myself in the appropriate time but do it in a less defensive way. Say things that I don't agree with but, nicely.

I'd like to think that these past 6 months have taught me a lot about myself (as spending every day with screaming crazy children and lonely nights not knowing what to do with myself) I set a goal for myself the day Josh left. This time will be about me and the kids. So for the rest of the time that Josh is gone.. I hope he comes back to a sane.. better understanding wife! lol..

Is it my turn yet??

Do you ever get the feeling that when you are talking to somone that they just really don't care what you are saying??

Do you find that some of the people in your life that are supposed to be deemed most important just really don't give a crap?

This has been happening to me a lot in the past oh say.. since January 26th of 2008.. which by reading my blogs you show know what that date is..

It's funny how you go through something tragic to a very extreme degree but someone related to the situation makes it all about them. I am not one to reach out and constantly expect pity on any situation that I have been through.. but when it comes down to it and I just truely need to vent about something and say I AM HURTING because of this.. why can't I just be given that moment. I don't neccessarily always need to hear "I know exactly how you feel this is whats going in my life" and talk about you for the next 45 minutes. Can I just vent and cry and get some sympathy from people close to me once in a while? What does it take for someone to pick up the phone and say "how are you holding up?" or "I'm so sorry.. I am here for you"

I'd like to say that I am a good listener, supporter, friend, and family member. I constantly go out of my way to please everyone in my life.. but when does it come a point when it's my turn? Where do I stop and say. enough is enough.. I need to focus on me and my kids? I feel like I am constanly being walked all over and taken advantage of and I guess it's kind of my fault because I let it happen. but when I do happen to stand up for myself I'm being a "bitch."

I guess what I need advice on is.. how do I put my foot down.. how do I learn to stick up for myself and tell people how I really feel? I find myself getting so upset about situations and never doing anything about them. I am DONE. I have reached my breaking point. When is it MY turn?

Does Heaven throw birthday parties??

Can I just visit for a day and throw one myself??

Of course.. the thing on my mind is Carter's birthday.. October 26th, 2006 we were blessed with my little angel's life.. So naturally.. after having Kohen's birthday party.. I sure as hell-o.. would love to have one for Carter.. he would be 3 this year.. it breaks my heart everytime I think.. with every passing day.. what he would be like.. what would he have accomplished so far? what would he talk about or think about or say to me.. how he would be an amazing little and big brother to his siblings..

My plan for this year was to celebrate his life.. to have a 'party' for him in his memory.. so why is it that I sit here 12 days before his birthday.. and not want to.. sit here and cry.. and mourn.. and think about his death (still) more than his life.

So my new goal is to just take the day as it comes.. and deal with it the way I feel in the moment..

I saw that krystal was making a video of her son for his first birthday.. so I got to thinking.. I am making a video of Carter's life and his smiles and joy and giving them as presents. on his birthday. to remember him how he should be remembered.. with the joy and life he filled all of our hearts with.. even for the short 15 months he was here.

So I just started uploading pictures.. bad idea.. but when is it EVER going to NOT hurt to look at them.. never.. but I hope one day.. when I look at his pictures.. I think of his joy... I guess it just takes time.. at least that's what everyone says..

One Step Forward..two steps back..

Okay so I've been struggling with nicotine addiction for quite some time now.. so I told myself.. "Kara it's time to quit now!!!"

It was stupid for me to even start smoking cigarettes in the first place.. but what's done is done..

I told myself I would take this next year and try to better myself for my kids and my future.. so the first step I wanted to take was to quit smoking.

Easy?? uh probably not.

I was smoke free for 5 days.. then yesterday I felt my world was crashing.. financially.. emotionally.. etc..

So I was a complete idiot and bought a pack of cigarettes.. complete waste of 5 dollars!!! why did I do that???

I feel like I have no self control or confidence. I feel disappointed. Part of me is like "kara you are kidding.. you can't quit.."

The other half is like.. "yes you can! you can't afford this anymore financially or physically! just do it!!!"

So here I feel like I took one step forward.. and two steps back. I have quit before I can go it again.. or can I? Is this the right time to even attempt it??

I guess what I'm looking for with this post is either advice or encouragement or something. Should I start over tomorrow? or just give up all together. agghhh...

So my little baby girl is 7 months old today!!!

Oh how time flies!

We learned to crawl... fast.. like one minute she is there and the next.. in the other room! Definately hit this milestone wayy too early!! LoL (at 6 months)

Watch out.. Kaelyn is on the move!

She is eating solids.. about 3 times a day for now. She didn't really get the hang of this until a month or so ago. She still has a bit of the reflex but is doing better everyday. She loves sweet potatoes, squash, carrots and bananas... mixed with rice cereal or oatmeal. (texture thing? not sure..) She is not a fan of the tangy fruits like applesauce and pears. We are getting there. She tried peas today for the first time and loved them!

(Big brother is a great helper too!!!)

She loves to play!!

She is sitting pretty all by herself now!!

Um and pulling herself up on EVERYTHING!

This little girl has me in some trouble.. I have a feeling she is going to be walking soon enough! LoL. She keeps me busy.. but I am so blessed.. she is amazing : )

What a mean mommy....

Okay.. so I'm sitting downstairs... right now.. typing... listening through the monitor, hearing Kaelyn on and off cry and whine.. you would think by now (third time around) that I would be immune to baby cries.. non effected... know they are fine..

so why now am I asking for advice? not sure! I feel like a bad mommy letting her lay there and cry.. but she is 7 months old! it's time for her to go to sleep on her own.. right?!?

With Kohen, I would rock him to sleep every night. I had to hold him as tight as I could and pat his butt and slowly lay him down while praying he wouldn't wake up. He always needed his lullaby music too. he started sleeping through the night at about 7 months.

With Carter.. he was a pretty good bed time "go-er" I guess you would call it. well for the most part.. I could lay him down.. he would play in his crib for a while.. then he would get on his hands and knees.. cross his legs.. and rock himself to sleep while grunting ( LoL) but it always did the trick for him after about 20 minutes..

::hearing her whine and cry off and on still::

Now, with my FIRST girl... I am realizing the high emotions starting already.. very "needy"... very "wanting it now" .. and "I'm not giving up mom!!!!"

Does anyone believe the "cry it out" method? It breaks my heart to hear her crying for me.. and not do anything about it.

at what age does it start? or work? for that matter...

::going to give her a binkie..::

Okay... 15 minutes later...

Now I know why she was still awake.. I went upstairs and she was STANDING up and holding onto the edge of her crib!!! Time to lower the matress!!!


So tell me... cry it out?! or what...

Every dream is a Wish your Heart makes..

So I have always wanted to be an independant business owner.. I have always had the idea (for years) to start my own food line. So while josh is gone I'm going to pursue my dreams... I just wanted some advice..

I already have an idea of what I want to do.. I want to make my own marinades, sauces, and dressings from scratch and sell them. somewhere. like the flea market or something.

I want to make marinara sauce, bbq sauces, chicken and beef and fish marinades.. different tasting dressings for calorie lovers and the health conscience.

I already have recipe ideas written and ideas for labels.. but no 'brand' names come to mind.. I wanted to do a tribute name to Carter or something special like that.

I am so fortunate in the fact that my husband is really supportive and pushing me to carry out this dream of mine. who knows.. I could be the next paul newman LOL..

but I really think this could work.. I have the drive, the time, and the culinary background.... what do you think????

Just wanted to update everyone on how the 'Fosters' are doing.. well on the 21st I actually ventured to wisconsin with Kara (josh's battle buddy's wife) and all 4 of our kids. and yes we drove... anyways... it was AWESOME to see Josh again and it was definately a bonus for him to see us and the kids. We camped right next to the base. It was nice to be in our own little space when we wanted and be outdoors too. We went putt putt, we had campfires, we went to a place called knuckleheads which was kind of like a dave and buster's, we shopped at the outlet mall, we went to the commissary and px (everything is tax free!!) and basically just enjoyed each other's company to the fullest. although the trip home was a complete nightmare I'm so glad I was able to go... and YES I bought cheese.. lol..

Kaelyn had her 6 month checkup yesterday. She weighs 17.2 lbs and is 26inches long. Nice and healthy. (uhh yeah in the 75% for her age lol) She is now eating rice cereal, oatmeal, carrots and sweet potatoes. She is not a big fan of tangy fruits like pears or applesauce. She makes a funny face like "what are you trying to feed me? ew!" lol. She is scooting forward on her belly. It's actually kind of entertaining. She looks like she is doing the worm!! haha. She gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth then flops forward. She loves her toys. In fact, I had to give her a whole basket just to store them in.. I put her on the floor and surround her 360 with toys and she is fine for about an hour. Her sleeping is getting there. She goes to bed around 9:30 - 10 and sleeps to about 4 or 5, eats, then goes back to bed til around 7. She is such a happy baby! I am so blessed. She definately loves her mommy. Everytime I talk to her, her face lights up! I love it!!

Kohen is so close to starting school. In a month and 11 days he will offically be in preschool. So scary!!! Josh and I had not started him earlier due to his brother passing away and knowing that Josh was being deployed. He will be 5 in october which is fine because he wouldn't make the kindergarten cut off anyway. He can write his first and last name on paper without any help. He knows how to spell dog, cat, hulk (lol), exit, stop, on, off.. and a few other words.. pretty good for a 4 year old!! He makes me so proud and amazed everyday with his intelligence... but he's also a great entertainer and is crazy and happy beyond belief!

For my Kids Friday... Carter edition..

Okay.. I'm sure you all know about my son, Carter, passing away in january of 2008...

I hate the fact that I blog about this all the time.. but It's my only way to vent..

So the past couple of days have been hard for me.. It's not any occasion that would bring about any strong emotions.. just the thoughts in my head. I was talking to my mother in law today and I told her that I have been intensly thinking about him a lot the past couple of days to the point where I can't go back to sleep in the morning because of having flashbacks..

I wish I could get the point where the good memories shadow the bad ones.. those six days of misery and the ones following his death are blocking the 15 most wonderful months I spent with my son. It's almost like I forgot the happiness and joy his smile brought me.. his laugh.. the way he would stand at my feet and grunt while reaching for me to pick him up.. I struggle with blocking out the nightmares and the pain... and I don't want to forget the good times..

I guess it's been bothering me because I sat down and starting thinking about Kohen's birthday (which is October 10th) then with that comes thinking about Carter's birthday (October 26th) and the fact that he would be 3 years old this year.. and the fact that I have to go through that day (and other occassions) without Josh. Even now just sitting here blogging about it brings extreme anxiety.

I am just sick of hurting... they say that it gets better over time.. but when does that happen?? 2 years? 5? 10? ...I wish it would stop now. ..

Being so angry over his death has cost me the relationship with God that I yearn for.. I want to be close to him..but how do I give him my all when I am still so mad? I smoke too many cigarettes.. I eat like crap.. I drink too much beer (no I am not an alcoholic).. but I am scared to ask for help (by this I mean professional) I feel as though I can do it... I can internalize everything like I always have and move on for the sake of everyone around me. I don't want to fall apart.

I, in a way, beat myself up over still being so hurt and fragile about it.. like I almost want to tell myself to "get over it" and move on.. but I know it's not that easy.. and now I am more of a paranoid mother than I ever wanted to be.. I don't let Kohen have anything with nuts in it, popcorn, hard candy.. I cut all of his food into bites suited for a six month old... when Kaelyn sleeps I check on her to make sure she is still breathing.. if she coughs I jump to her side and pat her back to make sure she isn't choking.. even the other day she started coughing while we were in the car and I pulled over to check on her... I cringe at kids eating solid foods or 1 year olds eating chips or large chunks of things.. I don't want my other 2 kids to suffer from my paranoia...

I have learned so well to internalize my feelings that even when I talk about it to other people I don't get emotional..sometimes I don't even want to cry when I go to his grave.. like I am ashamed... or if someone sees me get upset I will be embarrased... or make them uncomfortable..

I also hate the fact that I drive myself to do more than the average person in one day.. the fact that I can't sit for more than 15 minutes without moving or cleaning or feeling anxious..

I just to be at peace. to be okay.. to move on.. and let him go.. and not hurt. but I don't know how..

Ebay Bummer

Wow.. who knew that life would be so hectic without my other half.. okay I expected a huge disruption but not this huge...

I barely have time to shower, let alone sit here and blog! lol. Good thing you can't smell through the computer huh? ; )

So has anyone sold anything on ebay? well my first attempt was truely poor.. so I relisted my items (which are barbies still in the box that are 12 years old)... so I sold 3 of them! yay!! (right?) wrong... I totally miscalculated how much it would cost me to ship them and after all was said and done I think I profited a total of $1.27. sooo... I might as well have just given them away or kept them.. I was so pissed off on my way out of the post office! When I was shipping one box the mail guy asked me If I wanted to spend 5 more cents to get it there sooner and I said no!! (okay 5 cents is 5 cents)

I guess next time I will pay closer attention to how much shipping I charge.. I am not giving up totally on ebay, cuz it wasn't their fault.. it was mine... so any suggestions on what else I should sell on ebay? strollers? baby clothes? anyone else have experience selling to give me hand?? any feed back would be great.

WoW it's been a while since I have blogged... okay like a week.. but still..

You know when you reach that point in your life when certain people you thought you were close with just don't matter that much anymore? I'm not talking about family or anything like that..

This is hard to explain..

People grow up at different paces.. and sometimes I think that I am growing up faster than others.. I am seeking that true friendship with someone I can truely relate to.. I think Andrea touched on this subject a while ago.. when you have kids it's just different.. people who don't have kids (which I'm not saying if you don't have kids its a bad thing..) just don't really understand the idea of giving everything you have to them.. with you in the back of your mind being untouched..

Even some people I know that DO have kids are not making grown up decisions.. sure I like my night out every couple months to escape.. but I'm not stuck in party mode anymore..

I have been through so much shit in the past 4 years I feel like I'm 50 years old! I always forget the fact that I'm 24! I had Kohen when I was 20 years old.. then I got married at 21.. had Carter when I was 22.. Josh left for 5 months for boot camp.. 2 months later..lost Carter at 23..had Kaelyn in January.. and now Josh is gone for a year in IRAQ...

I guess what I'm trying to say is.. I need people in my life that share the same values.. the same beliefs.. understand where I've been and where I'm going... I have just come to the point where I need to cut out the bullshit in my life and focus on who and what are important..

Thankful Thursday..

Although she is miles away ( in florida) I cannot thank her enough... she has been my shoulder to cry on so often I cannot count.. I can call her when I'm having a bad day.. or I'm bored..and she will ALWAYS listen..

I realize now.. being a mother.. how much she went through raising 3 kids..

and I appreciate her so much more..

and for that I am thankful..

Love you MOM!!

Night Out

Okay so tonight is a big night.. (well in my book..) I actually get to go somewhere..drink.. and spend the night.. WITHOUT my kids..

God bless my children and everyone knows how much I love them.. but man.. this "single" parenting thing is harder than I thought.. I just wanted to show my appreciation to those of you who have to do it on your own. I have a lot of respect for you.. You can't just go to the store.. or out for dinner.. or whatever whenever you want. (which I didn't really do before anyway..but..)

It's just a lot of pressure knowing that it is all on you. Besides family members.. there is no one to say.. "let me take care of the baby today so you can get stuff done.. or rest for a bit.."

I know this experience will make me appreciate my husband even more than I already do.. He is my best friend.. and my other half. I don't know what I would do without him!

So..tonight... I have a babysitter, ALL NIGHT, and I'm actually going to do something fun.. and drama free..

For my Kids..

It is for my kids friday..

This one goes out to Kohen.

Yesterday I was cleaning out my garage... in bare feet.. (yes stupid!)

I gashed the bottom of my toe open and it started gushing blood.

Kohen was like "mom are you alright!" ...."no buddy mommy hurt her toe really bad.."

Call me a wimp..but it really hurt and I was almost in tears..

"It's okay mommy..(as he pats me on the back).. it will be alright"

Followed by.."Your blood is coming out of your brain!! "

LMAO.. priceless..

8x8

I was tagged by Renee last week with the 8x8.. started to do it then got interrupted by life.. so here it is..

8 things I say everyday...
1.stop doing that!
2.I love you
3. 1! 2!...(counting to 3 when Kohen is being bad..)
4.I'm going to pull my hair out!
5.booga butt (Kaelyn's new nickname)
6.Hold on a second I'm talking..
7.I don't want to clean..
8.I miss you!

8 foods I love..
1.bologna
2.chicken
3.turkey and cheese sandwiches
4.pizza
5.salt and vinegar chips
6.spaghetti
7.general tso's
8.cheese sticks

8 things I wish I had..
1.money
2.a house
3.my husband home
4.Carter back
5.no bills
6.nice clothes
7.new bed
8.no worries

8 Things I love to do...
1.play with my kids
2.go tanning ; )
3.be outside
4.swim
5.watch tv
6.sleep
7.cook
8.listen to music

8 things I hate to do...
1.clean
2.laundry
3.put away laundry
4.do dishes
5.change poopy diapers lol
6.cry
7.pay bills
8.be alone

8 things that really annoy me...
1.dirty looks..say it 2 my face..
2.giddy girls
3.drama
4.people telling me what to do
5.Kohen asking me a million times after I already say no
6.people that think they are better than you
7.lies..what's the point?
8.bugs

8 things that scare me..
1.dying
2.losing another child
3.losing my husband
4.being alone
5.clowns
6.big spiders
7.beatles
8.being in a car crash

8 Things I do everyday...
1.clean
2.get the kids dressed
3.laundry
4.take care of my kids
5.play with my kids
6.love my kids
7.put the kids to bed
8.maybe sleep a little : )

i would NEVER do that..

This is for Andrea.. and all the other new moms out there.. just letting you know you are not alone..here are the hidden tales of motherhood...

~I always thought that letting kids watch too much tv was bad for their brain... okay my 4 1/2 year old son knows what a crest spin brush is and also life alert... HELLO!!!... lol

~Let my children throw fits in stores... um sorry but no matter how much control you have over your children.. they will do it!

~Burp and think its funny.. okay sometimes I have to laugh. when your kid laughs you laugh.. natural reaction.. of course it's always followed by "what do you say?" ...same thing with "tooting"

~put a child safety lock on their door knob so they can't get out of their room... okay this "sounds" mean.. but would you rather your house be on fire when you wake up? yeah that's what I thought....almost happened to me at our last apartment..

~bribes... okay most 'experts' say not to bribe children.. um yeah when you say " okay I will give you a cookie if you go do this.." and it gives you ten minutes to finish doing a MILLION things.. I think it is perfectly acceptable..

~Potty trained by 2..okay.. when they want to pee and poop in the toilet.. they will. you cannot force them. trust me.. Kohen was finally trained by the ripe age of 4..

~prop a bottle.. okay yes. probably bad.. but when you have a barking dog.. someone at the door.. screaming baby.. phone to answer.. etc.. um don't judge me!

~let baby sleep in a swing. all 3 of my children have loved their swing.. and you know what I LOVE my sleep.. so so be it..

~put cereal in their bottles.. it helps them sleep.. from spitting up.. etc..yes I did it (and still do)



okay so now I have to put my input on my proud parenting moments... these are the important ones..

~Kohen knows his manners. he says excuse me.. thank you.. please.. bless you.. etc.

~He knows when he does something wrong to admitt it and not lie

~He knows to say sorry. and mean it.

~He knows that he cannot have 'treats' until after he eats lunch or dinner.

~He can and is more than willing to share.

~each and every time he is punished I explain why he was in trouble

hope I shared some wisdom.. when you are a parent.. not everything is going to go as you expected. You do what you think is right and who cares what others think. If you survive and your children love you, respect you, and are healthy, then so be it. Kudos to all the other parents out there that read this! Hope u understand!

What Father's Day means to me..

From the day we found out I was pregnant with Kohen, my husband has been the best dad he could ever be.

He had such a natural sense on how to be a parent. Something I believe to this day that goes beyond a maternal instinct.

He has taught be so much about being a parent it's unreal.. yeah I did (and do) all the waking up at night and diaper changes.. but being a parent goes much beyond that.

He taught Kohen how to be a little dude. He plays rough with him and has "guy talk".. "we can't say sucks while mom is around" kind of guy talk.. he has taught him to respect me.. and so many other things.

With Carter, it also came so natural to him. Josh feels guilty for leaving Carter for 5 months, for basic training, out of his 15 month life.. but he did it for his kids. He joined the army to provide a better life for his kids.. and for that reason he should be proud. When he got back Carter was 13 months old.. they bonded as if he never left.

The day Carter choked, he did CPR and brought him back to life.. for that he should be proud because we at least had 6 more days to see our precious little angel..

With Kaelyn, daddy's little girl. She has him wrapped so tight around her little finger.. he better watch his wallet LOL.

He is an amazing father, friend, and companion. I have the upmost respect for this man.. and now, once again, for his family, he is sacrifices a year of his life to fight for his country and our freedoms.. I couldn't ask for anyone better to be my loving husband.

I LOVE YOU!

For My Kids

I love them with everything in me.

I would die for them.

That pretty much sums it up

(I would post more but I have a lot on my mind.. )

Thankful Thursday

I am very thankful for REAL friends.

Friends that will not stab you in the back..

Friends that are ALWAYS there no matter what.

The friends that tell you how they REALLY feel.. not just what they think you want to hear..

The friends that are there to laugh with, cry with, and share things with.

I don't need people in my life to bring me down.. only those who help build me up.

To them I am greatful..thank you.

i AM ok

I can make it on my own.

I can take all challenges with stride.

I will make smart decisions that are best for my family.

I will block others out that are unhealthy for me.

I will have a clear mind.

Above all, I will be true to my husband and my children.

Ten Things Tuesday

I am trying to blog everyday.. doesn't always happen.. so here is my list for yesterday..

Ten Things I could TOTALLY live without..

1~ DRAMA... keep it to yourself. I have more important things to do than deal with ignorance.

2~ LIARS... why are you wasting your time? tell me the truth..lying leads to annoyance number one

3~ DRUGS.. don't do em. don't want to.

4~GUNS..hate them...which doesn't make sense considering my husband is in the army..but I still hate them.

5~BILL COLLECTORS.. if I couldn't pay you in the first place what makes you think I can pay you now.. LEAVE ME ALONE.. you want my kidney? cuz that's about all I have worth a crap.

6~DIRTY LOOKS... If you have a problem with me enough to give me a dirty look.. say it to my face. Yes I am young. Yes I have children... but I am probably a better mom than you will ever be!

7~DISRESPECT.. if you come in my house, and it's clean, pick up after yourself. this is not a hotel with a maid service..

8~TELEVANGILISTS (sp?).. you are not God. you can not heal people by smacking them in the forehead..

9~COMMERCIALS... I want to personally thank the person who invented DVR and tv show fast forwarding. you are my hero.. and the people who target my 4 year old son so that when we go to the store he wants the most expensive food and toys..

10~CRAPPY WEATHER.. it ruins plans.. makes me scared to drive...floods my yard.. etc.

Memory Monday

One of my favorite memories of Carter....

One of the best days of my life, October 26th 2006... the day he was born..

I went to the doctor's that morning. He had already told me to pack my bags just in case. I was 4 cm dialated without being in labor.. he wanted out! LoL. So he said he was going to induce me.. 13 days before my due date.

So we go to the hospital, they hook me up.. and the labor starts almost instantly. I get my epidural.. they break my water... I'm only about 6 cm by this time... not feeling anything! woohoo!

I tell everyone that was there to go home it would be a while.. told my sister not to rush from work..

20 minutes later they checked me and I was 10 cm!! I started balling.. "I'm not ready! I wanted to take a nap!" lol..

so I started pushing.. 9:19 pm he was born. 7 lbs 14 oz. 20.5 inches long..my big fatty man. my chunky monkey. my chunk a monk... the love of my life.. what an amazing feeling it was to hold him in my arms for the first time..

For My kids Friday..

sort of a busy day yesterday so I want to update..

Deployment ceremony.. never understood what it was until yesterday. What a proud moment it was to see 160 soldiers being honored for their bravery.. family and friends were all there to commend them..

Kohen sat upon Nick's shoulders, wearing his daddy's army hat, waving the American flag as the soldiers marched away to "I'm proud to be an American". Priceless moment.

Thank You..

Thank you to all the people who are negative. Those of you who tell me I can't do it.. I won't survive.. I won't make it.. Thank you.

Thank You to those who directly judge me without knowing the real me.

Thank you to those who didn't believe that Josh and I would have made it this far.

Thank you to those who turned their backs when I needed them most.

I say thank you to negative people because without you there wouldn't be a positive. If you hadn't been so negative I wouldn't have strived to do better, to go the extra mile, to work my butt of, to make it through the worst of times. So again, thank you negative people, you gave me a reason to be better than you..

Ten Things Tuesday

Ten Things I love about being a mother..

1 ~ the smile on my kids faces when they see me

2~ the face that I have a purpose.. I am molding these little humans into sophisticated individuals

3~ finally realizing that I can't do it all and still be okay with it

4~ the firsts... first smile, laugh, crawling, walking, school..etc. I try to savor these moments because they only happen once..

5~ I am perfectly fine with the fact that I would die for them.

6~ The hugs and kisses (this might be the best part!)

7~ I appreciate MY parents so much more...

8~ They make me appreciate sleep a WHOLE lot more.. (LoL)

9~They will always have a piece of my heart..

10~ The hopes that I have to be a positive influence and an important part of their lives..

I am the wife of an American Soldier..

I am a supporter of the United States Army-

an encouragement of the protectors

of the greatest country on Earth.

Because I am proud of my husband,

and the uniform that he wears,

I will always act in ways

that are credible to him,

the military service, and the nation he has sworn to guard.

I am proud of my husband.

I will do all that I can to protect

and provide for my family in his absence.

I will be loyal to my husband and to the vows

that we made as we entered the covenent of marriage.

I will do my full part to carry on the values

and goals that we have set apart for our family

and I will continue to instruct our children

in the same manner.

As a soldier's wife,

I realize I play a vital role in my husband's decision

to become a member of a time-honored profession -

that I am doing my share to keep alive

the principles of freedom for which my country stands.

No matter what situation I am in,

I will never do anything, for pleasure, profit,

or personal safety, that will disgrace my husband,

his uniform or our country.

I will use every means I have to encourage my husband

to be the best soldier he can be.

I am proud of my husband, my country and its flag.

I will fly the flag and always remember

the sacrifices made by my husband

and by generations of men and women

that have served our beloved country.

I will try to make my husband proud

of the manner I accept his decision

to defend my freedom

and the freedom of all American citizens.

I am the wife of an American Soldier.

Memory Monday

We would all get up at the same time..(the kids and I when Josh was at basic..) I would sit Kohen on his little couch..Carter in his thomas the train chair.. give them both Nutrigrain bars..turn on cartoons and just watch my little men make a mess..

Carter would squish his with both hands then devour it..

there is still his goupy nutrigrain bar mess on his chair..

everytime I see it I think of our mornings together..

RIP baby boy..

For My Kids

I missed friday (long weekend) so here it is..

A couple weeks ago, the kids and I were driving by Lowe's and they had all of their flowers outside.. so I said to Kohen..

"Kohen, look at all the pretty flowers!"

Kohen: "They are beautiful just like you mommy!"

::HEART MELTS::

Side note..

I forgot to mention in my previous post.. I have noticed there are a lot of themes for days when blogging. I always thought it was a cute idea but never wanted to be a copy cat lol but, I'm breaking in and following the trend.. so I made up some of my own themes for each day of the week..

Memory Monday (dedicated to my son Carter..sharing my memories of him with you)
Ten Things Tuesday (thanks Tricia)
Worry Wednesday (just blogging about my concerns and worries of the week)
Thankful Thursday (saying thank you to in my mind deserves it)
For my kids Friday (blogging about my kids and their accomplishments)

Saturday and Sunday I'll leave open for my random thoughts..


THANKFUL THURSDAY..

I wanted to say thank you to the BMV for letting old people drive..How else would I show up late everywhere I go.. or almost get sideswiped driving down the street.. or get cut off by them pulling out in front of me. Thank you BMV for letting them drive even though they can't hear, see, or even walk. I feel so safe driving my two children in a 5 ton death machine with those kind of people on the road... THANKS!!

Future? or disaster?

I have been thinking a lot about my future lately..

I have a college degree in Culinary Arts..

I have three beautiful children (one's just on vacation forever)..

The hubby has a great job..

and we are still struggling..

We have been having financial ups and downs for the past 6 years.. and quite frankly.. I'M SICK OF IT! With josh being paid twice as much as his salary while he is deployed I hope we can get back on our feet.. He is going to need a vehicle when he gets back.. I really want to pay off all of our debt and buy a house.. but my past experiences are nagging at me saying "hahaha you wish.. I got other plans in store for you..."

The above list of things I have are costing me more than helping me.. first, my culinary degree.. do they really think that I am able to pay them upwards of $800 a month? wouldn't it be easier to give them my kidney?...my children..God bless them but they don't come cheap.. Hubby and his job..it's the government.. they are taking him for a year.. which has its own price..

I have always worried too much about money.. to the point sometimes it makes me sick and not able to sleep.. but things always work out somehow..but I still can't let it go! aggh.. it is really frustrating me..

anyways..the future..

I have always looked forward to what is better to come.. but looking at my past.. I should've just cherished the present moment.. so that's what I'm going to try to do.. If I keep worrying about things like money I won't appreciate the fact that I DO have a wonderful life..

Strong?

Josh is Back.

For the next 9 days...

I keep touching on this subject not to inform others.. but to kind of inform myself.. It hasn't really settled on my brain like should. Denial? you could call it that.. I would describe it more like puting on my shiny armor to prepare for battle..

People say I'm strong. I never thought of myself as strong.. maybe I come across that way? Yes I have been through many trials and tribulations (more to come obviously) but, I have crumbled in ways no one sees... maybe it's slowly eating at me from the inside out.

I'll make it. I WILL make it. What choice do I have? I don't... So come on shiny armor.. protect my heart.. lets win this one..

AgGhhH!!

My four month old daughter has found her voice.. when she is not cat napping (naps that consist of 20 minute intervals) she is fake crying or shrieking. yes my 4 month old fake cries. I didn't think that it was even possible! They say babies can't be spoiled... I don't believe it... Kaelyn cries like I left her forever.. is hyperventilating.. when I pick her up "SMILES!" yes I believe that is what you call spoiled..

Don't get me wrong. I love being a stay at home mom but sometimes I just want to freaking poke my eyes out with a fork and pull all my hair out! I try to stay busy to keep my mind off of my stress but, I'm wondering if it is just causing me more stress. Do I ever just sit and do nothing?? Answer? NO. I Can't. Apparently I'm ADD or something. It is impossible for me to take it easy.

I don't have a job.. so what do I do you say?? I play with my kids..I go to stores just to browse.. I go to the YMCA.. spend time with family.. go tanning.. pay bills.. hang out with friends.. but do you ever get those times where you just wish you could be by yourself? I love love love my kids..but I think I forgot how much work 2 kids are. The crazy thing is... I want more kids. I want 2 more kids.. is that crazy?? That would bring the total to 5 births.. will my body keep bouncing back.. not sure!!

I still have another 10 lbs to lose to be happy with myself. People yell and scream at me.. you look fine! You don't need to lose weight.. okay when I sit down and I can't breathe cuz my belly is hanging over my pants...I'm not happy. sorry...

Okay. Point. My daughter is spoiled. I love my kids. I think I'm on the brink of insanity.

Love

The point of my blog today is to talk about the many types of love I have in my life and to thank those who have been, and continue to be, very supportive to me in so many ways!

First off.. My husband

I cannot begin to describe the love that I have for this man. He is my better half, my support, the love of my life and my best friend. I met him when I was 17 years old. We have grown up together and been through many challenges and our love has only gotten stronger through it all. LOVE YOU!

My children mean more to me than life itself. The love I have for them is unconditional and they each have a large piece of my heart. To this day it is a miracle to me that I helped create these amazing little human beings. I am truly blessed. You really really realize how important it is to be there for your children especially after experiencing the loss of a child. Life is short. Enjoy every second...



Kohen Nathanial
10/10/04



Carter Joseph
10/26/06 ~ 1/26/08



Kaelyn May
1/21/09

As a mom, I now realize the sacrifices you have to make for your children. I am thankful for my mom and dad for always being there for me. I was not always the most well behaved child but they never turned their back. They have supported me through every life decision and I love them so much. Also, my brother and my sister. Growing up together, you fight, you play, you laugh, but in the end all that has made us even closer.



My dad ~he is one of the smartest, most patient men I know.



My Mom ~ She is an inspiration to me, and has taught me to be a strong woman




My sister ~I am so proud of her accomplishments, and I know she is going to be a wonderful mom!



My brother ~ He has the biggest heart and a way with kids, he is going to be a great dad!


My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law have been more than just in laws. I consider them 100% my family. They treat me like their own. These two women have been nothing but there for me through thick and thin. I love them!



Alicia and Sandra


And last but not least.. my best friends..I don't know what I would do without them!!!!


Tiffany, I cannot express my gratitude enough. You are the godmother of my children and a huge part of my life! I know that if I need ANYTHING you will always be there. For the past year and a half, you have stuck by my side..when I needed someone to laugh with, you were there.. when I needed someone to cry with..you were there..if I needed to just bullshit and talk about nothing!..you were there.. and I love you!


Melanie. You have been like family to me since the day I met you over 6 years ago! Your optimism is inspiring. You are such a caring person and would do anything for anyone! You have also been there for me through thick and thin, laughs and cries, and ups and downs. I love you!







For those of you not mentioned.. you are not forgotten. I feel so blessed for the people that have been placed in my life for all different reasons. I LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you for being there for me!

My Army Man

Sooo... Haven't written in a while.. I have been feeling bad about my last post..due to it's intensity. I want to apologize.. even if you say I don't have to. I feel like I must. I don't usually show my true feelings outwardly. (not good..I know) but sometimes I end up like an overflowing volcano. just exploding.. so yes I'm sorry.

So there is something else I would like to talk about.. my life as a military wife. I don't true live the typical military lifestyle. With Josh just being in the national guard he only does one weekend a month and 2 weeks out of the year... so when he got the job back in september working on military vehicles.. it has been creeping up on me. Now he is gone for 3 weeks..training.. then off to wisconsin then to iraq. Now I don't EXACTLY know what full time military wives go through. but I am about to find out the hard way.

I must say, since the day that Josh decided to join the army..I have been nothing but proud of him. He has sacrificed so much to better himself and his family. It truely touches my heart that he is so brave as to risk his life to fight for our country.. I have to be honest..I haven't always been the most patriotic.. but now it is instantly and directly effecting my life. . All I can do is be there for the love of my life and deal.

People ask me how I feel about him going. Well.. this is usually my immediate response.. "what choice to I have?" it's the government. they pretty much own him. it's not like he can just say "no I don't want to go, I have a wife and kids" .. there are thousands and thousands that go overseas every year leaving their girlfriends, mothers, fathers, wives, children... and It DOES effect a lot more than just those people..

Maybe I'm biased..but, my husband is truely a hero. He has been through so much and is still so strong.. I couldn't ask for better!

I can't get out of my own head

Okay I have decided I have to go the that topic that I have been avoiding talking about... my baby... if you don't want to cry along with me PLEASE DON'T READ this..I'm not going to write this to hurt anyone or scare anyone or make people feel sorry for me..it's strictly for my own good because sitting here crying and holding up inside is not helping me...so here it goes...warning..it might be a long one..

So pretty much everyday I sit there and listen to sappy music and look at the slideshow on my myspace profile and ball my eyes out and yell and swear and get angry and sad all at the same time. I'm hurting more than anyone could ever see. I'm one of those kind of people that ignores reality. (see previous posts about josh leaving) I can't even describe the pain it's so bad. You would think that 15 months after him passing away I would start to heal. I think it's getting worse and I don't know what to do. I'm crumbling. I have the biggest urge to hold him in my arms and when I can't it hurts even more. then I think that I will NEVER hold him again. I will never see his face or hear his laugh..I will never see him grow up or let alone even hear him say "I love you mommy." He wasn't even old enough to tell his own mother he loves her when he died. It's so fucked up. I'm so fucking mad it's undescribable...

Everytime I go to his grave I just want to rescue him. I don't want him to be laying there in the freaking ground..He should be alive with his family and his brother and his sister to play with. It's not fair and I don't think I will ever understand God's reason for taking him. It was an accident. He choked on something and his dad saved his life. that should have been enough of a wake up call for us. but no he had to spend 6 gruling days laying in a hospital bed unconcious on a ventilator and I couldn't do a damn thing to save him. Even after the idiotic doctors kept telling us he was going to be fine.. I just had to sit there and stare at him and pray that he got better or I would see him awake again. And I am not going to lie. It didn't even cross my mind that he wouldn't make it...or maybe I just ignored my instinct.

I was the only one at the hospital when he starting going downhill the morning of the 26th..I was screaming "please don't take my baby!" I was praying the hardest I had ever prayed in my entire life. Hence my issues with God at this point. I don't think he showed any mercy..maybe he did but I'm not seeing it that way..I woke up that morning and Carter was in cardiac arrest...no one would tell me what was going on! they just kept pushing me back in the room and started cpr right in front of me.. and I refused to see it..I ran out of the room and they shoved me into this holding room with the chaplin. I knew at that point he was going to die. Finally my dad and kim and josh showed up. They had got him back and back on the ventilator..they offered the option of heart surgery but we said no.. we knew it wouldn't have saved him.. even the doc said it wouldn't do any good..then he started arresting again..then he was gone...forever..

I had to sit in a rocking chair and hold my baby boy after he died. No mother should ever have to experience this and I felt like "what the hell did I do wrong in my life to ever deserve this!!! fuck you!!" ..I just held him and rocked him and smelled his hair like I always did and told him it was going to be okay..which I knew at that point that it wasn't...and never would be again...I had to bury my baby..

I still haven't let go..my heart is still too fragile..in fact it's in pieces..I love my kids. they are my world. I feel sometimes I cheat kohen out cuz I'm so stressed out..then I beat myself up for it because who knows..he could be gone tomorrow..Now josh is leaving and I feel like God took my son what would stop him from taking my husband too..I just don't know what to think anymore..it's like I'm trapped inside of my head. I litterally have flashbacks..of him choking, turning blue, calling 911..josh doing cpr..following the ambulance to the hospital...being life-flighted (which I rode with him in the helicopter) laying there in the bed..waking up to blood coming out of his face..cpr after cpr..holding him.. the funeral..everything..
anything could set these flash backs off at any moment. I have them when I hear an ambulance.. I have them when I hear certain songs.. I have them when I'm sleeping.. I have them when I'm not even doing anything.

The morning after he passed away I woke up and thought I heard him crying.. thinking it was all a bad dream. I started balling when reality hit me..that it wasn't..

Most of the time I go through my day pretending I'm fine. Trying not to think about it. Enjoying my "perfect" life. But in the back of my head he is there. and will always be there. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I'm done!

Soo..what's on my mind today..blah..yes blah...I haven't really been feeling very good about myself lately.. I am still suffering from "I hate my post-preggo body" syndrome..None of my clothes fit..and the ones that do show all of my baby belly rolls. After the first two kids the weight just seemed to drop off on it's own..not this time! Well I will have a year and a half to focus on getting myself back in shape.. I want to go tanning but I have spots on my back that have been there about a year and a half now that I still have to get checked out. they starting appearing after being addicted to tanning a while ago..I also want to get my hair cut and highlighted..yet that costs money we don't have.. I want to get new clothes that actually complement my "new" body shape..again..money..so I guess i just have to deal with what I've got..blah..blahh...

Other disappointing news... Josh didn't get the full time position that he applied for with the army for when he gets back from Iraq. I guess he said as more slots open up he can re-interview even if he is deployed. So hopefully that is the case.

Well on the up side.. we had a good easter. It was like christmas for kohen..he was showered with gift after gift all day sunday lol. Even kaelyn (who is only 3 months old) was spoiled. lol.
Which brings me to other news that my sister is expecting her first child in october. I'm so super excited to be an aunt for the first time!! It's going to be great.

Well other than that..it's just the normal stress..
Josh leaves in 18 days.. I can't believe it has creeped up this fast..
It will definately test my strength..even though I feel I have been tested enough for one lifetime..

What's on my mind today?? A million things as usual...so many things to get done before josh leaves..

He is still working his job as a mechanic at the armory in ravenna 4 days a week 10 hours a day. so that leaves 3 more weekends to get things done and visit everyone that we want to before he leaves. Well this weekend is Easter. Saturday we are going easter shopping for the kids. Which apparently the "easter bunny" visited my mom's house in florida because she shipped 3 big boxes of stuff for Kohen and Kaelyn. Sunday we are going to do our own easter festivities and then head over to my grandma's house around 2.

Monday Josh wants to complete his obsessions of tattoos and get 2 more. We also have to go and get a military ID card for Kohen and I. That way we can get full military benefits while he is gone such as medical and shopping..discounts..among other things.

Next weekend we are going to his dad's house all day saturday to spend time with his dad, stepmom. and little sister. Sunday is Alicia's house warming party..

The weekend of the 25th and 26th, the family and I are attending an informational meeting for the families of soldiers being deployed...that night we are supposed to have josh's going away party..the next day my dad and my stepmom are having a steak dinner for josh and immediate family. BUSY BUSY!!!

So much to think about.. other things that HAVE to get done before he leaves is general power of attorney and we are able to get a 6% interest rate on our car loan while he is deployed (AWESOME!) so we have to submit the papers for that. The kids and I get full benefits (health wise) while he is gone with tricare so we have to find a family doctor that accepts that. From what I hear the benefits are amazing. (duh it's the government!)

We REALLY want to buy a house when he gets back. and since everything he makes over there is tax free I want to use that extra money to pay off our debt and put a little aside each month for our down payment. as of right now I can't even get a prepaid visa card (lol j/k but you get the point..) I want to have at least 10,000 saved up within the year and a half for a down payment for a house.

So..I have also been making plans for things to do while he is gone...
I HAVE to quit smoking..it's killing me..literally... and I want to lose weight. at least 10 lbs. My face and stomach both look totally fat. Others might slap me in the face for thinking this way but I have always been tiny and I prefer myself that way. I'm not going crazy and losing like 20 lbs or anything but I know I could be more in shape. I want to start excercising and eating healthy. especially if I am going to florida this summer... this postpreggo body is NOT going into a bathing suit... with the first 2 kids the weight just kinda shed off.. but it seems like I am getting fatter by the day...of course the extra calories from drinking beer isn't helping lol

alright well, as usual..the baby keeps crying and kohen is driving me nuts...

Dedicated to my hero..my husband

OH, WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD?
TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES
COME ON AND COME TO ME NOW
DON'T BE ASHAMED TO CRY
LET ME SEE YOU THROUGH
'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THE DARK SIDE TOO

WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
NOTHING YOU CONFESS
COULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
SO IF YOU'RE MAD, GET MAD
DON'T HOLD IT ALL INSIDE
COME ON AND TALK TO ME NOW

HEY, WHAT YOU GOT TO HIDE?
I GET ANGRY TOO
WELL I'M A LOT LIKE YOU

WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE CROSSROADS
AND DON'T KNOW WHICH PATH TO CHOOSE
LET ME COME ALONG
'CAUSE EVEN IF YOU'RE WRONG
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU

TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
AND WHEN...
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU, BABY
YOU'RE FEELING ALL ALONE
YOU WON'T BE ON YOUR OWN
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU

Yeah so I already had a sappy morning.. See above.. Yet again..not going to jump into that topic or my blog would be 10 pages long..my heart is still aching...
ANYWAY...
So...I finally finished backing up my pictures onto cds, which I have been meaning to do for a long time now. I just got scared considering my microwave, washer, and two (yes 2) tvs are broken.. didn't want a computer disaster to wipe out all of my much needed memories..

The countdown begins..and no not a happy one..27 days til josh starts training to go to iraq. I think I have just been puting off thinking about it because it still doesn't seem real. Just like when he left for 5 months for basic and AIT.. it didn't hit me until the drive home that I wouldn't be seeing him for a while. and yes, those 5 months seemed like an eternity, I can only image how long the next year and a half will feel like..

I know I can take care of the kids, bills, etc...but I just worry about him. Kohen's 5th birthday..him going to preschool..kaelyn's first birthday..first words..walking.. he missed all of it with carter and I swore he wouldn't go through that again..well here we are...

There is also the fact that he is going to WAR..can't ignore that fact.. I don't even want to think about what would happen if he didn't make it home..I'm praying for the best..

"Praying".. Okay, this is one topic I can't ignore... I have ALWAYS been religious..and I DO believe in God..I just unfortunately doubt his motives.. which is not exactly the thing I should be thinking if I want to go to heaven and see my precious baby boy again...but I'm sure someday..(NOT NOW)..I will forgive him for taking Carter away from me..cuz it sure as hell doesn't make any sense to me..

ALRIGHT...I said I wasn't getting into that today... ANYWAYS.. You would think that since Kohen now has his own little dwelling with all of his toys that he would be super excited...NOPE still biting at my ankles...see yesterday's post about my ongoing insanity...

So..the fighter group called me a couple days ago and asked me if I could work monday and tuesday so knowing that we need the extra money I made arrangements to work the two days... it's only 5 hours both days..not much but at least I will get out of the house AND make enough to pay the difference on our washer..or fix the tv..or buy a new microwave...haven't decided yet... even though I make good money josh referred to it as "chump change" and that it wasn't worth working those 2 days.. which is his way of saying I love and you and would rather you stay home and spend time with me before I leave... well at least that's what i'm trying to hear..

is that enough mindless rambling? yeah I think so..at least for today...

Round and Round we go..

another day...another boring day.. I think I have been stuck in this house for almost a week straight.. by myself..I'm GOING CRAZY! So I got the computer moved and the office set up. I also brought all of kohen's toys downstairs and it is officially his play room now.. one confined space for all of his crap!

So I took some updated pics of the kiddos ..

Miss Kaelyn


Mr. Kohen

I will post more on my myspace later..
So what's on the agenda today? cleaning..what else? oh yeah taking care of the rugrats..Which brings me to a point..

The day before thanksgiving..I took my maternity leave..which they should rename my "insanity" leave.. time for me to be stuck in the house day in and day out with kids (god bless them) driving me up the wall.. The sad thing is.. most days I do have a car. but only for times that I want to venture out and HAVE to go somewhere. I would love to have some sort of hobby..or thing to do. but I don't. I need something to keep my brain from melting into a pile of goo...cuz ya know the only person I have to talk to is 4 and loves superheros..not the BEST conversation for a 24 year old adult..

You know what is involved by just running down the street to the grocery store??? get both kids dressed, fed (most importantly, because no one would appreciate me pulling off the side of the road to feed a screaming baby and a little boy saying "I WAN'T MCDONALDS!! please mommy please please please...)...now with a baby you have to bundle them up (great ohio weather..spring? what?).. strap them in the carseat..make sure the base and the booster seat are in the car..load them up..get in..drive..unload them into the store.. (and let me tell you most carts are not carseat friendly) shop why saying no you can't have that, no I'm not buying you a toy...we can eat AGAIN when we get home..etc..checkout, push the groceries AND the children out to the car..load up the kids..load up the grocers.. and do it all over again when we get home.. now a simple 5 minute trip turned into 2 hours.. okay maybe I am exaggerating a little bit but there have been trips to the store where I get home and start pulling my hair out..

So my rambling has a point.. where is my "ME" time? Did I officially say goodbye to it when I starting having children when I was 19 years old? I love my life and everything in it but parts of me wishes that I could maybe just have sometime for myself. Especially because my heart is still broken from the tragedy that we won't talk about today (or I will be a pile of goo..) No time to heal..no time to take care of myself.. I can barely take a shower without kohen popping in or hearing the baby cry..so I sit on the computer with kohen at my ankles playing and the baby right at my side (because heaven forbid I leave her cuz she FREAKS out..) Mindless mindless typing and web surfing..It's either that or clean..which gets a little redundant..

Is it my destiny that I live for everyone else and let myself sink away? It seems that way..

My kids ARE my life..without them? I wouldn't have one..

Okay... another new day... same as yesterday.. stuck at the house with the crappy weather outside..but the kicker is Josh won't be home til 9 tonight because he has drill at the armory..another friday night alone.. okay enough with the pity party...

So alicia moved out with nick into their own place. I'm really proud of her. She only lived here for like 5 months but It was enough to help her out..and it helped us out as well... so I've been thinking about what to do with the extra room.. see we have a finished basement and one room is the playroom (off the garage) and the other is just a spare room with access to the back door. The laundry room (equipped with an extra toilet) is off of the spare room. So I was thinking about turning it into the office. With the computer and lots of grownup things that shouldn't be in the playroom. That way ALL of kohen's mass amount of toys can be in the playroom instead of his bedroom. Because as of right now they are always overflowing into the hallway..my room..the living room etc...

Which brings to another issue... Kaelyn will be over a year and a half when josh gets back.. eventually she has to get out of mommy's room..because it's just not healthy for either of us. So josh and I talked about it...and there has to be a decision made about Carter's stuff. (which may I remind you I haven't touched since the day he went to the hospital..still all in it's place...including his crib and blankets..) But.. I need to start letting go.. Josh made a good point that his worldy posessions are not him..they will not bring him back... so what do I do with them? I can't box them up.. I can't give them away.. My friend Tiff suggested making a quilt with his clothes and her grandmother would be honored to do it.. which would (for me) probably be the best option.. so I could have them forever..but not in a weird way..

Josh also made a point that he thinks Carter would be happy if his little sister slept in his bed...as Kohen also slept in that crib when he was a baby.. so it would only make sense to treat her the same..even though Carter is not here.. I have just been dreading this moment since he passed..but I also know that it has only been 15 months since he left..rush it? not sure...

anyways...

how about an update on baby Kaelyn..
She is 10 weeks old..
She weighs 12lbs (70th percentile) and is 22 inches long (35th percentile) she's got finger toes and big feet like her mom..hazel eyes (and no they are not brown) like her dad. She has been smiling and cooing for a couple weeks now. It's the most adorable thing when she hears her momma's voice and looks at me with those sweet eyes and smiles. I LOVE IT! She is just about out of her size 1 diapers (well should be in 2's but I'm stretching the ones i have lol) and she's still in 0-3 mo clothes. She's a blessing everyday!
Alright.. more tomorrow..

To My Child

© Elizabeth M. PIllari

Come back into the fold
of my protective wings.
Let not your spirit be restless,
For you are here with me.
I will always be
your one on which to lean,
your rock, your number one fan.
Fear not child
to speak your mind.
Undo the wrongs of the day,
And together we'll make them right.
Speak of heartaches,
so that they may be subdued.
Share your joys,
so that they may be my joys too.
Always know that I am with you,
For you are my precious gift
from God.
I will always love you,
And keep you safe from life's hardships.
I will cushion your bumps,
And tend to your scrapes.
I will guide you tenderly;
Your brilliant eyes
will always be my sun;
Share with me your heart,
And I with you.
I love you.
Mom