Thursday, April 16, 2009

I can't get out of my own head

Okay I have decided I have to go the that topic that I have been avoiding talking about... my baby... if you don't want to cry along with me PLEASE DON'T READ this..I'm not going to write this to hurt anyone or scare anyone or make people feel sorry for's strictly for my own good because sitting here crying and holding up inside is not helping here it might be a long one..

So pretty much everyday I sit there and listen to sappy music and look at the slideshow on my myspace profile and ball my eyes out and yell and swear and get angry and sad all at the same time. I'm hurting more than anyone could ever see. I'm one of those kind of people that ignores reality. (see previous posts about josh leaving) I can't even describe the pain it's so bad. You would think that 15 months after him passing away I would start to heal. I think it's getting worse and I don't know what to do. I'm crumbling. I have the biggest urge to hold him in my arms and when I can't it hurts even more. then I think that I will NEVER hold him again. I will never see his face or hear his laugh..I will never see him grow up or let alone even hear him say "I love you mommy." He wasn't even old enough to tell his own mother he loves her when he died. It's so fucked up. I'm so fucking mad it's undescribable...

Everytime I go to his grave I just want to rescue him. I don't want him to be laying there in the freaking ground..He should be alive with his family and his brother and his sister to play with. It's not fair and I don't think I will ever understand God's reason for taking him. It was an accident. He choked on something and his dad saved his life. that should have been enough of a wake up call for us. but no he had to spend 6 gruling days laying in a hospital bed unconcious on a ventilator and I couldn't do a damn thing to save him. Even after the idiotic doctors kept telling us he was going to be fine.. I just had to sit there and stare at him and pray that he got better or I would see him awake again. And I am not going to lie. It didn't even cross my mind that he wouldn't make it...or maybe I just ignored my instinct.

I was the only one at the hospital when he starting going downhill the morning of the 26th..I was screaming "please don't take my baby!" I was praying the hardest I had ever prayed in my entire life. Hence my issues with God at this point. I don't think he showed any mercy..maybe he did but I'm not seeing it that way..I woke up that morning and Carter was in cardiac one would tell me what was going on! they just kept pushing me back in the room and started cpr right in front of me.. and I refused to see it..I ran out of the room and they shoved me into this holding room with the chaplin. I knew at that point he was going to die. Finally my dad and kim and josh showed up. They had got him back and back on the ventilator..they offered the option of heart surgery but we said no.. we knew it wouldn't have saved him.. even the doc said it wouldn't do any good..then he started arresting again..then he was gone...forever..

I had to sit in a rocking chair and hold my baby boy after he died. No mother should ever have to experience this and I felt like "what the hell did I do wrong in my life to ever deserve this!!! fuck you!!" ..I just held him and rocked him and smelled his hair like I always did and told him it was going to be okay..which I knew at that point that it wasn't...and never would be again...I had to bury my baby..

I still haven't let heart is still too fact it's in pieces..I love my kids. they are my world. I feel sometimes I cheat kohen out cuz I'm so stressed out..then I beat myself up for it because who knows..he could be gone tomorrow..Now josh is leaving and I feel like God took my son what would stop him from taking my husband too..I just don't know what to think's like I'm trapped inside of my head. I litterally have flashbacks..of him choking, turning blue, calling 911..josh doing cpr..following the ambulance to the hospital...being life-flighted (which I rode with him in the helicopter) laying there in the bed..waking up to blood coming out of his face..cpr after cpr..holding him.. the funeral..everything..
anything could set these flash backs off at any moment. I have them when I hear an ambulance.. I have them when I hear certain songs.. I have them when I'm sleeping.. I have them when I'm not even doing anything.

The morning after he passed away I woke up and thought I heard him crying.. thinking it was all a bad dream. I started balling when reality hit me..that it wasn't..

Most of the time I go through my day pretending I'm fine. Trying not to think about it. Enjoying my "perfect" life. But in the back of my head he is there. and will always be there. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I'm done!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Soo..what's on my mind today..blah..yes blah...I haven't really been feeling very good about myself lately.. I am still suffering from "I hate my post-preggo body" syndrome..None of my clothes fit..and the ones that do show all of my baby belly rolls. After the first two kids the weight just seemed to drop off on it's own..not this time! Well I will have a year and a half to focus on getting myself back in shape.. I want to go tanning but I have spots on my back that have been there about a year and a half now that I still have to get checked out. they starting appearing after being addicted to tanning a while ago..I also want to get my hair cut and highlighted..yet that costs money we don't have.. I want to get new clothes that actually complement my "new" body I guess i just have to deal with what I've got..blah..blahh...

Other disappointing news... Josh didn't get the full time position that he applied for with the army for when he gets back from Iraq. I guess he said as more slots open up he can re-interview even if he is deployed. So hopefully that is the case.

Well on the up side.. we had a good easter. It was like christmas for kohen..he was showered with gift after gift all day sunday lol. Even kaelyn (who is only 3 months old) was spoiled. lol.
Which brings me to other news that my sister is expecting her first child in october. I'm so super excited to be an aunt for the first time!! It's going to be great.

Well other than's just the normal stress..
Josh leaves in 18 days.. I can't believe it has creeped up this fast..
It will definately test my strength..even though I feel I have been tested enough for one lifetime..