Thursday, December 4, 2008


The suspense of having this baby is always on my mind!!! I am constantly thinking of things that could make this pregnancy go faster.. which obviously is a little out of my hands at this point lol. I stopped working the day before Thanksgiving.. a little earlier than expected but it's giving me time to deal with other things. It was my first official thanksgiving dinner at home. I made enough food for an army. Everything turned out great! I just wanted to share somethings with everyone... so I'm obviously a pro at this whole pregnancy thing, being the 3rd time and all, but it's sooo different being pregnant with a girl! I didn't think it could be true. Not only are the symptoms different but the worries and freakouts are crazy... so here's what I have in comparison with my other pregnancies...
~I'm wide.. I mean really wide..
~My hunger is the size of a black hole but my stomach is the size of a pea..
~I'm not as moody...maybe she's the more moody one.. lol uh oh.
~I crave CHOCOLATE and POP at all hours of the day
~I have dealt with little weewees before but not vv's except my own haha
~I have a fear of whining..shrill high pitched whining..
~A great flood of memories of sleepless nights, poop, puke, pee..screaming..(the baby too) and carrying a carseat while trying to manuever another small kid into the car at the same time, grocery shopping and not having enough arms to keep them from pulling things off the shelves..
(i'll stop before i go too far)
Anyway... the thing is.. this is different. Yes it's my third child.. but without Carter here it's like i'm starting out with 2 all over again.. It keeps running in my head how crazy it would be to have a 4 yr old a 2 yr old and a newborn.. but you know what.. I would love every second! Well at least I know I can handle 2 just fine.. now when josh talks about having like 10 kids i get really scared!! lol!! Alright that's all for now.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Ups and Downs

So just when I thought things were going great... Josh's truck breaks down.. not just a little fix.. but freakin 500 dollars worth of crap that needs fixed! Josh just found out a couple days ago that he will be working on trucks for the army making really good money.. so that's great. and that means I only have ten days until I go on maternity leave! which is also great..then this! blah..
Yeah so, I was just sitting here thinking, what the hell am I going to do with myself when I am not working for the next 8 weeks!! (I say 8 cuz I'm being induced early) I took my maternity leave with Carter at 34 weeks and had him at 38 weeks.. for those 4 weeks I went crazy.. the nesting was obserd! (which has already gone into full affect lol) so really I've organized just about everything in my house.. I get disgusted by dirt and disorganization.. so I guess I will just become an even bigger ultimate cleaning freak!
My nerves are also shot. I have no patience worth a shit anymore. I get easily frustrated and overemotional about everything. I was thinking about taking this time to finish my scrapbooking to keep me busy. I made one for Carter but haven't had the guts to finish it yet. How can I sum up his life into one little book of pictures.. there are about 4 more pages that I need to do before it's done. It just doesn't do him justice. I also wanted to take the picture album of kohen's first year and make a scrapbook out of it. I have like over 200 pictures of him. lol. I'm not a pro but i think that i do pretty good work.
So if anyone else has any suggestions on how to keep busy for the next 8 weeks let me know!! hopefully time flies with the holidays around and everything. then I get her out of me just in time to realize that Carter will be gone a year on January 26th. which is very close to my due date.
When I went for my OB apt last time I talked to the doc about inducing me because my mom was coming up from florida and I was induced with Carter with no complications.. then he was like well without dialation or any other factors the earliest we can do it is the 24th. then he was like oh wait that's a saturday so about the 26th. my jaw dropped.. I said uh oh definately not that day..It's just so surreal that both the best and worst days of my life are falling on what seems like the same day. So my mom is coming up on the 20th.. i'm hoping to be induced by the 22nd.. that way I can come home before the anniversary of Carter passing away.. I want to be able to take her to the cemetary and introduce her to her big brother... oh god.. that sucks. So many fears and worries are overwhelming me.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


just taking some time out to vent .. cuz i'm bored.. just some things that piss me off...u ready?? here we go..

~saying you'll be there for me and never bother
~stuck up people
~materialisticness (is that a word?)
~people who don't understand pregnancy horomones
~snow on the roads
~shit talkers

okay.. that's all i can think of right now.. i'm sure there is plenty more but we'll keep it simple for now..

so I can't wait until this pregnancy is over. I love my children and yes it is a blessing to be pregnant but lets face it.. gaining an extra 30 lbs and body parts swelling that you didn't even know existed, not being able to breathe, walk, sleep, stand, eat, or talk without interference... it's not exactly glorious. thank goodness I will have the holidays to keep me busy cuz I am going out of my mind!!!

Monday, November 17, 2008


Thanks for all the hugs in your head
I'm gracious for all the I love you's, you never said out loud.
all the times I reached out and held nothing but air.
I cry but you plug your ears.
I scream and you walk away.
I beg and you laugh.
You watch me drown in my sorrow
with nothing but a grimace on your face...

Saturday, November 15, 2008

New Place For My Thoughts

So I started this blog because I find it theraputic to sit and evaluate things that go on in my head. Trust me it is a jumbled mess sometimes. So, to update people on how I've been doing and things that have been going on I decided to blog my thoughts.

Being pregnant has always been pretty much an anti-social time for me. Not really on purpose but I think god gives me this time to try to get my head on straight. After Carter passed away I started spiralling into a really bad place, which losing a son will do to any mother. But, I starting heavily drinking and not handling what I was feeling very well. The past 7 months has given me time to not forget what happened but to remember what I did have when he was here. I miss him with every aching bone in my body but I still see his smile as bright as if he were standing in front of me.
Being pregnant again brings a lot of mixed emotions for me. I am totally excited because I've always wanted a girl. It just scares the hell out of me bringing another new life into this world that I have to take care of and protect from whatever evils might come accross us. It terrifies me because as a mother I could do nothing to save Carter from dying. What is going to save my new little girl. I do everything possible as a mother to protect my children and one gets taken away anyway. I understand that life is not in my hands, but with god. He has a plan for everyone..but why did he choose Carter..why us? why him? No matter how much I believe and trust in God..these questions will haunt me forever.
Having a baby..whether it be your first, or fifth, is always a new adventure. You never know what to expect because every child is different. The circumstances are get make different decisions with each one. So it's like starting from page one on how to raise a child each time! There will always be doubts, "Did I do the right thing?" it's definately a bumpy road.
So going into this for the third time, I am staying optomistic, At least trying to. A fresh start. Everyone deserves one? right?