So my little baby girl is 7 months old today!!!

Oh how time flies!

We learned to crawl... fast.. like one minute she is there and the next.. in the other room! Definately hit this milestone wayy too early!! LoL (at 6 months)

Watch out.. Kaelyn is on the move!

She is eating solids.. about 3 times a day for now. She didn't really get the hang of this until a month or so ago. She still has a bit of the reflex but is doing better everyday. She loves sweet potatoes, squash, carrots and bananas... mixed with rice cereal or oatmeal. (texture thing? not sure..) She is not a fan of the tangy fruits like applesauce and pears. We are getting there. She tried peas today for the first time and loved them!

(Big brother is a great helper too!!!)

She loves to play!!

She is sitting pretty all by herself now!!

Um and pulling herself up on EVERYTHING!

This little girl has me in some trouble.. I have a feeling she is going to be walking soon enough! LoL. She keeps me busy.. but I am so blessed.. she is amazing : )

What a mean mommy....

Okay.. so I'm sitting downstairs... right now.. typing... listening through the monitor, hearing Kaelyn on and off cry and whine.. you would think by now (third time around) that I would be immune to baby cries.. non effected... know they are fine..

so why now am I asking for advice? not sure! I feel like a bad mommy letting her lay there and cry.. but she is 7 months old! it's time for her to go to sleep on her own.. right?!?

With Kohen, I would rock him to sleep every night. I had to hold him as tight as I could and pat his butt and slowly lay him down while praying he wouldn't wake up. He always needed his lullaby music too. he started sleeping through the night at about 7 months.

With Carter.. he was a pretty good bed time "go-er" I guess you would call it. well for the most part.. I could lay him down.. he would play in his crib for a while.. then he would get on his hands and knees.. cross his legs.. and rock himself to sleep while grunting ( LoL) but it always did the trick for him after about 20 minutes..

::hearing her whine and cry off and on still::

Now, with my FIRST girl... I am realizing the high emotions starting already.. very "needy"... very "wanting it now" .. and "I'm not giving up mom!!!!"

Does anyone believe the "cry it out" method? It breaks my heart to hear her crying for me.. and not do anything about it.

at what age does it start? or work? for that matter...

::going to give her a binkie..::

Okay... 15 minutes later...

Now I know why she was still awake.. I went upstairs and she was STANDING up and holding onto the edge of her crib!!! Time to lower the matress!!!


So tell me... cry it out?! or what...

Every dream is a Wish your Heart makes..

So I have always wanted to be an independant business owner.. I have always had the idea (for years) to start my own food line. So while josh is gone I'm going to pursue my dreams... I just wanted some advice..

I already have an idea of what I want to do.. I want to make my own marinades, sauces, and dressings from scratch and sell them. somewhere. like the flea market or something.

I want to make marinara sauce, bbq sauces, chicken and beef and fish marinades.. different tasting dressings for calorie lovers and the health conscience.

I already have recipe ideas written and ideas for labels.. but no 'brand' names come to mind.. I wanted to do a tribute name to Carter or something special like that.

I am so fortunate in the fact that my husband is really supportive and pushing me to carry out this dream of mine. who knows.. I could be the next paul newman LOL..

but I really think this could work.. I have the drive, the time, and the culinary background.... what do you think????

Just wanted to update everyone on how the 'Fosters' are doing.. well on the 21st I actually ventured to wisconsin with Kara (josh's battle buddy's wife) and all 4 of our kids. and yes we drove... anyways... it was AWESOME to see Josh again and it was definately a bonus for him to see us and the kids. We camped right next to the base. It was nice to be in our own little space when we wanted and be outdoors too. We went putt putt, we had campfires, we went to a place called knuckleheads which was kind of like a dave and buster's, we shopped at the outlet mall, we went to the commissary and px (everything is tax free!!) and basically just enjoyed each other's company to the fullest. although the trip home was a complete nightmare I'm so glad I was able to go... and YES I bought cheese.. lol..

Kaelyn had her 6 month checkup yesterday. She weighs 17.2 lbs and is 26inches long. Nice and healthy. (uhh yeah in the 75% for her age lol) She is now eating rice cereal, oatmeal, carrots and sweet potatoes. She is not a big fan of tangy fruits like pears or applesauce. She makes a funny face like "what are you trying to feed me? ew!" lol. She is scooting forward on her belly. It's actually kind of entertaining. She looks like she is doing the worm!! haha. She gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth then flops forward. She loves her toys. In fact, I had to give her a whole basket just to store them in.. I put her on the floor and surround her 360 with toys and she is fine for about an hour. Her sleeping is getting there. She goes to bed around 9:30 - 10 and sleeps to about 4 or 5, eats, then goes back to bed til around 7. She is such a happy baby! I am so blessed. She definately loves her mommy. Everytime I talk to her, her face lights up! I love it!!

Kohen is so close to starting school. In a month and 11 days he will offically be in preschool. So scary!!! Josh and I had not started him earlier due to his brother passing away and knowing that Josh was being deployed. He will be 5 in october which is fine because he wouldn't make the kindergarten cut off anyway. He can write his first and last name on paper without any help. He knows how to spell dog, cat, hulk (lol), exit, stop, on, off.. and a few other words.. pretty good for a 4 year old!! He makes me so proud and amazed everyday with his intelligence... but he's also a great entertainer and is crazy and happy beyond belief!

For my Kids Friday... Carter edition..

Okay.. I'm sure you all know about my son, Carter, passing away in january of 2008...

I hate the fact that I blog about this all the time.. but It's my only way to vent..

So the past couple of days have been hard for me.. It's not any occasion that would bring about any strong emotions.. just the thoughts in my head. I was talking to my mother in law today and I told her that I have been intensly thinking about him a lot the past couple of days to the point where I can't go back to sleep in the morning because of having flashbacks..

I wish I could get the point where the good memories shadow the bad ones.. those six days of misery and the ones following his death are blocking the 15 most wonderful months I spent with my son. It's almost like I forgot the happiness and joy his smile brought me.. his laugh.. the way he would stand at my feet and grunt while reaching for me to pick him up.. I struggle with blocking out the nightmares and the pain... and I don't want to forget the good times..

I guess it's been bothering me because I sat down and starting thinking about Kohen's birthday (which is October 10th) then with that comes thinking about Carter's birthday (October 26th) and the fact that he would be 3 years old this year.. and the fact that I have to go through that day (and other occassions) without Josh. Even now just sitting here blogging about it brings extreme anxiety.

I am just sick of hurting... they say that it gets better over time.. but when does that happen?? 2 years? 5? 10? ...I wish it would stop now. ..

Being so angry over his death has cost me the relationship with God that I yearn for.. I want to be close to him..but how do I give him my all when I am still so mad? I smoke too many cigarettes.. I eat like crap.. I drink too much beer (no I am not an alcoholic).. but I am scared to ask for help (by this I mean professional) I feel as though I can do it... I can internalize everything like I always have and move on for the sake of everyone around me. I don't want to fall apart.

I, in a way, beat myself up over still being so hurt and fragile about it.. like I almost want to tell myself to "get over it" and move on.. but I know it's not that easy.. and now I am more of a paranoid mother than I ever wanted to be.. I don't let Kohen have anything with nuts in it, popcorn, hard candy.. I cut all of his food into bites suited for a six month old... when Kaelyn sleeps I check on her to make sure she is still breathing.. if she coughs I jump to her side and pat her back to make sure she isn't choking.. even the other day she started coughing while we were in the car and I pulled over to check on her... I cringe at kids eating solid foods or 1 year olds eating chips or large chunks of things.. I don't want my other 2 kids to suffer from my paranoia...

I have learned so well to internalize my feelings that even when I talk about it to other people I don't get emotional..sometimes I don't even want to cry when I go to his grave.. like I am ashamed... or if someone sees me get upset I will be embarrased... or make them uncomfortable..

I also hate the fact that I drive myself to do more than the average person in one day.. the fact that I can't sit for more than 15 minutes without moving or cleaning or feeling anxious..

I just to be at peace. to be okay.. to move on.. and let him go.. and not hurt. but I don't know how..

Ebay Bummer

Wow.. who knew that life would be so hectic without my other half.. okay I expected a huge disruption but not this huge...

I barely have time to shower, let alone sit here and blog! lol. Good thing you can't smell through the computer huh? ; )

So has anyone sold anything on ebay? well my first attempt was truely poor.. so I relisted my items (which are barbies still in the box that are 12 years old)... so I sold 3 of them! yay!! (right?) wrong... I totally miscalculated how much it would cost me to ship them and after all was said and done I think I profited a total of $1.27. sooo... I might as well have just given them away or kept them.. I was so pissed off on my way out of the post office! When I was shipping one box the mail guy asked me If I wanted to spend 5 more cents to get it there sooner and I said no!! (okay 5 cents is 5 cents)

I guess next time I will pay closer attention to how much shipping I charge.. I am not giving up totally on ebay, cuz it wasn't their fault.. it was mine... so any suggestions on what else I should sell on ebay? strollers? baby clothes? anyone else have experience selling to give me hand?? any feed back would be great.

WoW it's been a while since I have blogged... okay like a week.. but still..

You know when you reach that point in your life when certain people you thought you were close with just don't matter that much anymore? I'm not talking about family or anything like that..

This is hard to explain..

People grow up at different paces.. and sometimes I think that I am growing up faster than others.. I am seeking that true friendship with someone I can truely relate to.. I think Andrea touched on this subject a while ago.. when you have kids it's just different.. people who don't have kids (which I'm not saying if you don't have kids its a bad thing..) just don't really understand the idea of giving everything you have to them.. with you in the back of your mind being untouched..

Even some people I know that DO have kids are not making grown up decisions.. sure I like my night out every couple months to escape.. but I'm not stuck in party mode anymore..

I have been through so much shit in the past 4 years I feel like I'm 50 years old! I always forget the fact that I'm 24! I had Kohen when I was 20 years old.. then I got married at 21.. had Carter when I was 22.. Josh left for 5 months for boot camp.. 2 months later..lost Carter at 23..had Kaelyn in January.. and now Josh is gone for a year in IRAQ...

I guess what I'm trying to say is.. I need people in my life that share the same values.. the same beliefs.. understand where I've been and where I'm going... I have just come to the point where I need to cut out the bullshit in my life and focus on who and what are important..