My kids ARE my life..without them? I wouldn't have one..

Okay... another new day... same as yesterday.. stuck at the house with the crappy weather outside..but the kicker is Josh won't be home til 9 tonight because he has drill at the armory..another friday night alone.. okay enough with the pity party...

So alicia moved out with nick into their own place. I'm really proud of her. She only lived here for like 5 months but It was enough to help her out..and it helped us out as well... so I've been thinking about what to do with the extra room.. see we have a finished basement and one room is the playroom (off the garage) and the other is just a spare room with access to the back door. The laundry room (equipped with an extra toilet) is off of the spare room. So I was thinking about turning it into the office. With the computer and lots of grownup things that shouldn't be in the playroom. That way ALL of kohen's mass amount of toys can be in the playroom instead of his bedroom. Because as of right now they are always overflowing into the hallway..my room..the living room etc...

Which brings to another issue... Kaelyn will be over a year and a half when josh gets back.. eventually she has to get out of mommy's room..because it's just not healthy for either of us. So josh and I talked about it...and there has to be a decision made about Carter's stuff. (which may I remind you I haven't touched since the day he went to the hospital..still all in it's place...including his crib and blankets..) But.. I need to start letting go.. Josh made a good point that his worldy posessions are not him..they will not bring him back... so what do I do with them? I can't box them up.. I can't give them away.. My friend Tiff suggested making a quilt with his clothes and her grandmother would be honored to do it.. which would (for me) probably be the best option.. so I could have them forever..but not in a weird way..

Josh also made a point that he thinks Carter would be happy if his little sister slept in his bed...as Kohen also slept in that crib when he was a baby.. so it would only make sense to treat her the same..even though Carter is not here.. I have just been dreading this moment since he passed..but I also know that it has only been 15 months since he left..rush it? not sure...

anyways...

how about an update on baby Kaelyn..
She is 10 weeks old..
She weighs 12lbs (70th percentile) and is 22 inches long (35th percentile) she's got finger toes and big feet like her mom..hazel eyes (and no they are not brown) like her dad. She has been smiling and cooing for a couple weeks now. It's the most adorable thing when she hears her momma's voice and looks at me with those sweet eyes and smiles. I LOVE IT! She is just about out of her size 1 diapers (well should be in 2's but I'm stretching the ones i have lol) and she's still in 0-3 mo clothes. She's a blessing everyday!
Alright.. more tomorrow..

To My Child

© Elizabeth M. PIllari

Come back into the fold
of my protective wings.
Let not your spirit be restless,
For you are here with me.
I will always be
your one on which to lean,
your rock, your number one fan.
Fear not child
to speak your mind.
Undo the wrongs of the day,
And together we'll make them right.
Speak of heartaches,
so that they may be subdued.
Share your joys,
so that they may be my joys too.
Always know that I am with you,
For you are my precious gift
from God.
I will always love you,
And keep you safe from life's hardships.
I will cushion your bumps,
And tend to your scrapes.
I will guide you tenderly;
Your brilliant eyes
will always be my sun;
Share with me your heart,
And I with you.
I love you.
Mom

Random Thoughts for today...

Since josh is leaving I think it will be good for me to post a daily blog to put my thoughts somewhere... so I'm going to try to do it everyday.. so here's whats going on in my head today...

Well we are finally getting a new washer in like a week. It only took them a month to give me a store credit..but of course it's for the price of the original washer not for how much it actually costs now.. hate warranty companies.. oh and on that note..the lamp in our 52" tv blew and we called the warranty company...SORRY! we don't cover that... WHATEVER...
NEXT!
Kaelyn has been on this kick lately that everytime I leave the room she cries.. like a devastating, please don't leave me, cry. By the time I get to her to pick her up she is practically hyperventilating! Makes it kind of difficult to get anything done...oh..there she goes...Sometimes I hear her crying and she isn't making a noise..likes its imbedded in my head or something!

Kohen is going to preschool in the fall...my baby is growing up! We have to schedule a visit here soon before josh leaves. He really wanted to be there for Kohen's first day of school but the one that we picked, also most affordable, doesn't start until september. It's a christian based preschool which I am happy about. Since I don't go to church (whole other story...) I at least want him to learn more about God and the bible.

ten minutes later... sorry had to rescue the screaming baby who is now clinging to me like it's the end of the world....

well more tomorrow.. kohen is saying he is starving even though he already ate a banana, applesauce and a nutrigrain bar....

Waiting...

The suspense of having this baby is always on my mind!!! I am constantly thinking of things that could make this pregnancy go faster.. which obviously is a little out of my hands at this point lol. I stopped working the day before Thanksgiving.. a little earlier than expected but it's giving me time to deal with other things. It was my first official thanksgiving dinner at home. I made enough food for an army. Everything turned out great! I just wanted to share somethings with everyone... so I'm obviously a pro at this whole pregnancy thing, being the 3rd time and all, but it's sooo different being pregnant with a girl! I didn't think it could be true. Not only are the symptoms different but the worries and freakouts are crazy... so here's what I have in comparison with my other pregnancies...

~I'm wide.. I mean really wide..

~My hunger is the size of a black hole but my stomach is the size of a pea..

~PINK EVERYWHERE! woohoo.

~I'm not as moody...maybe she's the more moody one.. lol uh oh.

~I crave CHOCOLATE and POP at all hours of the day

~I have dealt with little weewees before but not vv's except my own haha

~I have a fear of whining..shrill high pitched whining..

~A great flood of memories of sleepless nights, poop, puke, pee..screaming..(the baby too) and carrying a carseat while trying to manuever another small kid into the car at the same time, grocery shopping and not having enough arms to keep them from pulling things off the shelves..

(i'll stop before i go too far)

Anyway... the thing is.. this is different. Yes it's my third child.. but without Carter here it's like i'm starting out with 2 all over again.. It keeps running in my head how crazy it would be to have a 4 yr old a 2 yr old and a newborn.. but you know what.. I would love every second! Well at least I know I can handle 2 just fine.. now when josh talks about having like 10 kids i get really scared!! lol!! Alright that's all for now.

Ups and Downs

So just when I thought things were going great... Josh's truck breaks down.. not just a little fix.. but freakin 500 dollars worth of crap that needs fixed! Josh just found out a couple days ago that he will be working on trucks for the army making really good money.. so that's great. and that means I only have ten days until I go on maternity leave! which is also great..then this! blah..

Yeah so, I was just sitting here thinking, what the hell am I going to do with myself when I am not working for the next 8 weeks!! (I say 8 cuz I'm being induced early) I took my maternity leave with Carter at 34 weeks and had him at 38 weeks.. for those 4 weeks I went crazy.. the nesting was obserd! (which has already gone into full affect lol) so really I've organized just about everything in my house.. I get disgusted by dirt and disorganization.. so I guess I will just become an even bigger ultimate cleaning freak!

My nerves are also shot. I have no patience worth a shit anymore. I get easily frustrated and overemotional about everything. I was thinking about taking this time to finish my scrapbooking to keep me busy. I made one for Carter but haven't had the guts to finish it yet. How can I sum up his life into one little book of pictures.. there are about 4 more pages that I need to do before it's done. It just doesn't do him justice. I also wanted to take the picture album of kohen's first year and make a scrapbook out of it. I have like over 200 pictures of him. lol. I'm not a pro but i think that i do pretty good work.

So if anyone else has any suggestions on how to keep busy for the next 8 weeks let me know!! hopefully time flies with the holidays around and everything. then I get her out of me just in time to realize that Carter will be gone a year on January 26th. which is very close to my due date.

When I went for my OB apt last time I talked to the doc about inducing me because my mom was coming up from florida and I was induced with Carter with no complications.. then he was like well without dialation or any other factors the earliest we can do it is the 24th. then he was like oh wait that's a saturday so about the 26th. my jaw dropped.. I said uh oh definately not that day..It's just so surreal that both the best and worst days of my life are falling on what seems like the same day. So my mom is coming up on the 20th.. i'm hoping to be induced by the 22nd.. that way I can come home before the anniversary of Carter passing away.. I want to be able to take her to the cemetary and introduce her to her big brother... oh god.. that sucks. So many fears and worries are overwhelming me.

Bored...

just taking some time out to vent .. cuz i'm bored.. just some things that piss me off...u ready?? here we go..

~saying you'll be there for me and never bother
~stuck up people
~materialisticness (is that a word?)
~money
~people who don't understand pregnancy horomones
~snow on the roads
~ignorance
~shit talkers
~drama

okay.. that's all i can think of right now.. i'm sure there is plenty more but we'll keep it simple for now..

so I can't wait until this pregnancy is over. I love my children and yes it is a blessing to be pregnant but lets face it.. gaining an extra 30 lbs and body parts swelling that you didn't even know existed, not being able to breathe, walk, sleep, stand, eat, or talk without interference... it's not exactly glorious. thank goodness I will have the holidays to keep me busy cuz I am going out of my mind!!!

Vulnerable

Thanks for all the hugs in your head

I'm gracious for all the I love you's, you never said out loud.

all the times I reached out and held nothing but air.

I cry but you plug your ears.

I scream and you walk away.

I beg and you laugh.

You watch me drown in my sorrow

with nothing but a grimace on your face...